Let’s talk about premature ejaculation
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I am always a bit more cautious when I’m talking about penises, hence I can’t know how exactly do you feel as a cock owner. Of course I learned about them, and I’ve had partners and I’ve had clients of course and I’m a curious person. So feel free to add your perspective anytime. There is always more to know.
One of the questions I receive the most is about premature ejaculation. And I get it, you want your partner to be pleased and the pleasure to last longer for the both of you. It is the best intention. And you have several options, including finding a solution for the long term and training yourself to last longer, and work on the roots of the challenge.
But I get it, you want this change starting now.
What can you do right away?
Add more lube
The smoother your experience, the less you have to worry about overstimulation. I know this is not much, but it is always a good add on.
Use a delay cream/spray
Delay creams and sprays are super popular, because they desensitise the penis, so you feel less and climax later. It depends from person to person what works the best for them. Sprays usually act faster than creams.
Please always try them before you plan to use them with your partner, because maybe you are sensitive to an ingredient. Check how you feel, how much you need, so when you are going to use them, it won’t be all new to you so you can feel more confident.
and
These work like the classic delay sprays, has numbing agents to decrease sensitivity.
This spray is a bit different than the classic ones. Contains silicon that will cover the penis (so rub it well) to reduce friction and decrease sensitivity.
This spray can be used way before sex, so it is a discreet choice, your partner won’t necessarily know about it. It has mostly natural ingredients and it focuses not “just” on delay, but also on supporting your erection and recovery. This is not the strongest on delay, but is more about giving you a better hard-on and endurance.
Skins Natural Delay Serum + Proboost
This serum contains a lot of good ingredients for better erection. In this area it is very similar to the Powerect. But it is partner friendly, so won’t numb your partner’s mouths during oral sex.
Have a cock ring
Cock rings are usually used to maintain the erection. It gives this extra pressure at the bottom of the penis and helps to keep the blood in. So the main thing is not to delay erection, but get a better hard-on. However some penis owners find it useful to prolong the ejaculation, because of the different sensation and confidence they have.
Allow your breath to support you
Breathing (and other techniques around relaxation and release) can make a huge difference. Breath deeply. Especially when you feel you start to tense up. Focus more on the exhale and imagine spreading the energy all over your body, so it wouldn't be concentrated as much around your penis. You probably will find exhaling through the mouth more effective here.
Slowing your breath is going to slow your whole system.
Focus on something else than you cock
When I say something else don’t think about the “old” tip of something super not sexy or neutral, but allow other parts of your body to be involved in your experience. Like you can allow yourself to feel the temperature, or gaze into your partner’s eyes, or see the colours around you, or feel into your shoulders… Don’t escape from your experience, just expand your window of attention. (And breathe slowly and deeply.)
Imagine the energy is circulating rather than concentrating
I know that when I’m talking about energy and working with energy it is weird for some people. I get it. You can think about it as the heat that you feel, the pleasure that feels amazing in your body, the tension that increases in your body. When you get closer to orgasm this energy is more concentrated around your penis. And with practice you are able to move this energy. This helps to stay in the moment, don’t lose the arousal, but be able to endure.
Learning to circulate the energy can help with your vitality and with time also to become multiorgasmic. But this is a whole new story. I especially recommend looking around the work of Mantak Chia in this area.
From now let’s see those things that can help you on the longer to redefine your sexual abilities.
Learn to use your pelvic muscles to give you more control
Plenty of women do kegel exercises to strengthen the pelvic muscles and to have better orgasms. But everybody profits from strong pelvic muscles. The easiest way to feel what I’m talking about is to experience them when you are peeing. Try to stop the pee and wait and then allow the flow to start again. You have just used your pelvic muscles. You can train this without peeing. :) And I think you understand my point. You can gain more control over your ejaculation by controlling the pathway of release better. (This is also part of the training to isolate ejaculation from orgasms and allow you to have more orgasms, endurance and vitality).
Practice edging and train for endurance as part of your masturbation
When you allow yourself to get closer and closer to climax, but choose not to, you build the skill of endurance (and also you will have a more intense orgasm as a reward).
You can do this “just” by masturbating. You can also practice the other tips, like breathing, circulating energy and other stuff…
You can choose a masturbator like the fleshlights to train yourself. The smaller, the better. One of the advantages is that you can fix the fleshlight and masturbate like you would really having sex in different positions.
Awesome options are the Stamina Training Unit the classic and the smaller. If you are not into pussies, try the Flight.
Ask for professional help to work through challenges
There are different ways to overcome the roots of premature ejaculation. Of course there are plenty of ways to work through obstacles or expand sexually. I don’t know all of them. But if you start to research, you will find that whatever your problem is, you can find support. But it is important to find the way that works for you.
Get taoist erotic massage and/or lingam massage
Tantric and taoist massages are amazing ways to learn to stay in your pleasure and to get rid of energetic blocks.
Somatic sex educators and body workers
Somatic sex educators and body workers can help you in practice to overcome challenges like for example premature ejaculation in a safe way.
Therapist and coaches
Most therapists and coaches don’t offer hands-on experiences. They can help you to know and understand yourself better and build new ways to create the life that you want.
In my coaching work I find that premature ejaculation is very much related to a difficulty to be with intensity. Pleasure for the nervous system can feel the same as anxiety. The tension and the expansion together are too much and you want to get rid of this intensity as soon as possible. I see premature ejaculation as an escape from this tension. Working through the charge around intensity and learning to feel grounded and safe in your body can change the pattern of premature ejaculation and open the door for you to become a confident lover.