Being together for the first time causes more anxiety than most of us like to admit. We expect a lot from ourselves and want to be sure that our partner has the best experience. We long to have times when we feel excited, infatuated, playful, connected and open. And of course we want lots of orgasms. Yes, orgasms for everybody…
But what can you do to make your first time sex the best start, that creates the perfect foundation for even more juicy satisfaction?
Create a container
This sounds weird for most people and they don’t get what I mean by it. Sex coaches call “container” a state that you create together where you feel safe to be you. Where you are
communicate your desires and your feelings
you are active
your boundaries and needs are defined.
Most people find talking about needs and boundaries scary and disappointing. So they hope that everything will happen without the need to talk or even without revealing when something doesn’t feel right, something you find challenging or even being transparent about what you want. Most people feel that they are too much and not enough at the same time. Very probably your partner feels the same way.
The rush and excitement can cover a lot of the anxiety, but not all. And when you are in your head wondering if this is okay or not, if you are good enough or not, if you smell weird or look weird in any way… then you are not present for pleasure, and everybody loses out.
I also know that it can be obscure how to do this in practice, so check out my tips for you to support you to have the sex you want even if you are together for the first time:
Co-regulate your nervous systems
When you can connect before you “start” sex you help yourself to feel safer with your partner.
Even “just” walking together (when you find a speed that works for the both of you) can make a difference.
Dancing together can also do the trick.
You can breathe together.
Laughing together (for real) will do wonders.
It all depends on what works for the both of you.
Say no, when you feel no
When something is not a fuck yes, than it is a no. Consent is essential and non-negotiable. And this is true for yourself as well. I mean when you feel that something is a no, don’t try to force yourself into it either. Having a safe place for sex and connection is crucial. And it doesn’t “only” affect that one experience when you act against that NO, but your whole sexual journey.
Be present in the moment, in your body:
It is totally normal to find yourself in your head from time to time even during sex, the question is how much time you spend there and how you feel about it.
So when you find yourself being in your head, don’t judge yourself for it, “just” get back to the moment. It helps to focus on your body and the sensations that you feel. The temperature, the scents, the furniture, what is on your skin… And when you find yourself again, bring yourself back again the same way.
When you are in your head a lot, it can be that something is bothering you, and if you find this keeping you away from your experience, it can be helpful to name what your problem is.
Maybe something is uncomfortable.
Maybe you find the speed too fast or too slow.
Maybe you want to have a shower together before you go further…
I know it is risky and sounds super disillusioning to talk about stuff that doesn’t work for you, but being in the loop of these thoughts and discomfort will keep you trapped and away from what is happening.
So stop and express what you want instead of what you are experiencing.
In order to do this you have to know what you want, so
Focus on your yes-es
When you focus on what you have a YES for it is going to put you on the pleasure wave. Even if your yes is something simple when you express it, you can go in the direction of what feels good for you. So when you are in doubt, try to find something that would feel good or if you can’t find anything that you know that would feel good, ask for something you would like to try.
Give positive feedback and reinforcement
So many people don’t even give any sounds or signs that they actually enjoy what is going on. You don’t necessarily need to verbalise that something is good, you can moan, or just say yes. This also helps you to stay more in your pleasure.
Worship your partner’s body
Most people feel very vulnerable about their bodies and if their partner finds them attractive. When you are together for the first time this self doubt can even be more intense. So giving true compliments helps your partner to relax and be seen in a safe way. It also helps you to stay with your yes-es. So if this doesn’t come naturally, you can challenge yourself to see what turns you on the most about your partner.
Express how much you love what you got and indulge yourself in it.
If your partner doesn’t really say anything, you can look for changes in their breath, sighs, convulsions in their body, their body becoming more open (You see the inner part of their wrists more, their thighs are open.
Let go of any agendas
The more you have an image about what should happen and how fast or slow it would happen the more you are lost in your thoughts and doubts when things go a different way. You start to judge your experience, yourself and/or your partner and it can easily go downhill from there.
On the other hand when you come from a place of pure curiosity and non judgement both of you will be more open and relaxed and so much more pleasure will become accessible for the both of you.
Our bodies are very sensitive to how your partner holds place for us. I had male clients with erectile dysfunction with the root case of their partner’s expectation for hardness (all coming from performance anxiety). When they learned how to be present in their bodies and allow themselves not to be hard all the time, everything changed. The more they wanted to force themselves to be hard, to go faster… the more their penis said no to continue this way. And as they learned to focus back on themselves and their needs they got effortlessly hard again.
Talking about sexual health history, getting tested for SDI and using proper protection
This is the scariest of all. There is so much shame connected to sexual “non health” that we just want to bury our heads in the sand, hoping that if we don’t say and don’t look, then there is nothing there. While in the background our nervous system and our mind is trying to get our attention. When we can be transparent there is a part of us that can be liberated and focus on the pleasure rather than the flashing “danger sign”.
It is empowering when your physical and emotional health is a priority and you can have choices about how to move forward. You build trust, courage and intimacy.
And be ok with laughing at yourself
When you don’t pressure yourself and are able to laugh when something goes wrong you accept the present moment. There is no resistance or shame about it, because laughing about the situation releases these and this affects your partner as well.
When they experience that you have ease and acceptance, that gives them permission as well to let go of pressure and they can act more freely coming from a place of yes-es rather than trying to navigate and suppress the no-s.