Libido differences are causing a lot of frustration for both sides. And it is a situation without true winners. I speak to those who feel rejected a lot and feel that they are unable to share all the passion that they have with their partners.
And I also speak to their partners who blame themselves, feel broken and objectified. Who sometimes don’t respect their own boundaries in order to keep their partners happy, causing even more distance between them and their own bodies to shut down.
So what can you do to make the best out of the situation?
These tips are for you, the one, who’s libido is lower. And this doesn’t mean that it is all your responsibility to “handle “ the situation. Your partner can also do a lot, and I will write a separate post for them too. At the same time I would like to liberate yourself from the guilt, shame, anger and/or powerlessness that this difference tends to cause.
Start with reading my post Why you don’t want to have sex?
You will find some of the reasons that you can start to look more into, and what you can do about them here. Understanding a bit of the whys can give you some support about what to do here.
It is important to understand that nobody is in fault here. Not the person who desires more sex neither than person who doesn’t. What you are looking for is a way that would feel good to the both of you. Something that will build a bridge between you. The more you understand the root causes the more you can consciously do to change it, or to accept the difference and work around it. This includes hormone checks, emotional processing, healing…
Be kind to your partner
Initiating sex especially after you have been rejected a plenty of times is very vulnerable. You can acknowledge this without trying to force yourself to do something that you don’t want.
When you feel guilty or not good enough for saying no you can act out and be defensive. It is understandable, and at the same time it doesn’t help you either, because you feel even more guilty after.
Practice being more compassionate while you are keeping your boundaries up. Acknowledge your partner’s effort and vulnerability. You are creating a new way to connect, when you respect yourself and your partner at the same time. It is ok that you need practice. It is ok if it is not how you imagined it beforehand. Try it anyway and it will become more natural to you. Being compassionate doesn’t mean that you have to accommodate your partner’s desires when you don’t want to.
Reassure your partner about being hot and sexy (when you find them hot and sexy)
When you are the one with the lower libido and you are in defensive mode, you tend not to acknowledge your partner’s desirability. Because when you do, they can feel that you are open to have sex and than you have to deny them again. This usually leads to you finding your partner less and less sexy with time.
We tend to be blind to things that we don’t want to see. But you can practice seeing. What if you first just allow yourself to look or listen. Remember what you used to find sexy about them.
And when you feel safe to express this to them, then do so. :) You can even tell them that you decided to express more how sexy you find them, but you can only do this if they allow you to do this without taking it as a sign for them to initiate.
Giving yourself more space
Respecting this space means a lot to you. It is almost like having more air and finally you can be more open. It helps to find your own erotic needs and desires. When you can feel your partner's desire “loudly” it seems that you don’t have your own desire. While actually you do have but it is more quiet. The more you and your partner can allow you to “just” be you and act authentically while they are also open to you the easier to shift this situation. I will write about this more in your partner’s blog post, because if they learn how to be with you and give space for you, it will be a game changer (as a coach I focus a lot on this with them). But this is more up to them, you can “only” ask for it.
What you can do here is more like being aware of this. Especially that you are more likely to feel arousal but your partner’s intense desire can feel overwhelming so that you are not able to access yours. It is there. The best way to imagine this is like you say something but you can’t even hear yourself because your partner's voice is so loud that everything else is “lost”. This can be changed.
Find out what really works for you and ask for it
This is usually the most challenging for a lot of people. Maybe because your sexuality changed with time or maybe you haven’t had the option to know your arousal map yet. I would recommend to read my posts about erotic blueprint to help you understand your sexuality better.
Most of the time the libido difference is based on different erotic wirings. Your partner is probably primarily a sexual in the erotic blueprints and you probably have more energetic and sensual treats. This means that you need totally different initiation for sex.
If you are into longing and teasing, your partners fast pace and intense sex drive doesn’t let your desire for longing and being teased fulfilled. It is not just your partner who remains “hungry” but you too, but it is harder for you to put your finger on the reason because it is different. Your desire for connection and space don’t look as essential as your partner’s desire for sex, but it is as valid and important for you.
If you are more sensual you need to feel relaxed and be in a nice environment so that you can allow yourself to feel and enjoy yourself without being disturbed. This erotic wiring is very much depends on outside factors: environment, how clean you are and how do you smell, if you have undisturbed space and time. Maybe you desire more compliments and connection beforehand during the day. You are the ones who needs to feel relax in order to be open to sex. When you learn about your needs you and your partner can create what you need in order to enjoy your time together and have a more fulfilling sex life.
Please don’t think that there is something wrong with you. Allow yourself to be curious and explore your needs and desires again instead of coming from a place of “shoulds”. Take care of your needs first so that you can allow yourself to really feel into your body and your desires and try to acknowledge the efforts that your partner makes.