It surprises me how often I hear this: I’m just not interested in sex and/or self-pleasure. Sometimes there was a past with a higher libido and sometimes the juicy past has never existed.
But I’m rushing here, and I have to slow down. Do you recognise the feeling?
So I hear people talking about not having a sex drive. And their reaction and how they deal with it can be very different.
Some people just accept it. Especially if their age or how long they are in a relationship make some sense and it seems like a logical explanation. It even feels like the normal way of being a human for people. And it is all ok, if this is where you want to be in relation to sex.
Some people really struggle with it. Especially when they want their partner to be happy and it feels like not having sex is just their fault and that something is broken with them.
The main thing I want to declare first is that it just doesn’t need to be this way. That the pleasure and juice can be available (again) if you want it.
Start with the main reasons why you just don’t feel like having sex. And there is no particular order here.
Sex is a chore (rather than connection and free expression)
I see this is a lot. People want to please their partners even though they are not there internally. So they start to act from duty rather than genuine desire. This becomes heavier with time, it builds up resentment and can cause a shut down.
You can liberate yourself from the constant loop, but it requires lots of awareness, open communication, a space to freely express yourself without holding all the responsibility for the sex life. (Yes therapy, counselling, coaching can help a lot. Because this can be tricky to navigate.)
This is never a one person problem in the relationship, so it is not one person’s responsibility to fix themselves to be able to have sex again. It takes everybody involved.
The state of your hormones has a big role in your sex drive, your erection, your lubrication, your pathways to orgasms... Still I find it is quite rare that doctors recommend a hormone check in order to see if there is an imbalance that can cause a big difference.
You don’t know how being in your erotic pleasure really feels like and how to get there
Sexual education comes from the people around you, the media, porn… and so much of these is not really authentic. We expect ourselves to just know what we need in order to be aroused and open to explore and own pleasure, orgasms.
Learning, going to workshops, having honest conversations and self-explorations are crucial.
You, who read this are already on a journey which is good.
Allow yourself to feel without judgement, create challenges, because wherever you are, I can guarantee that there is more.
You are not feeling emotionally available to your partner
If you ask me now if emotional availability is needed for a sex life and high libido, I say in the long run it is needed. I’m not saying that you have to be madly in love with the other person, but being able to open with them allows the flow of pleasure. When this flow is shut down, less arousal is going to be available for you. Maybe you need other substances to boost yourself to be able to perform.
You are healing
It is totally normal to not being open to sex when you are healing from emotional or physical trauma. It takes time, the right circumstances, awareness and feeling safe in order to open up to sex again. So it is not “just” time but quite a lot of other support also takes space here.
Your diet and lifestyle
The way you live, the nourishment you give (or not give) to yourself will affect your sex drive and libido. And don’t forget stress either. You are a whole system. You can’t compartmentalize your sex life totally from what goes on in your life. So look around and see where you can improve here in order to find your balance?
You can’t give yourself (or to your partner) permission to really be a free erotic being
This doesn’t sound very important to a lot of people, but as a coach I experience that this is one of the fundamentals.
The madonna/whore complex, slut shaming, judgement, repressed desires, stepping to a new role in life like becoming a mother, how a man should behave can create a lot of limitations.
Sometimes “all it takes” is a permission to allow the walls of inhibition to break down and access to your sexual energies again. Your self-definition can be changed.
You don’t feel safe in your body and in sex
Arousal is not a peaceful state for most people. (However there is arousal in relaxed states too, I just had to add this here.) Your heart pumps like crazy, everything is enhanced, your world is narrowed down, things can be out of control any moment. It is scary. Your nervous system has to learn to deal with it in order to stay open and receptive rather than dissociating.
This can be helped and supported.
You have responsive desire rather than spontaneous desire
Most people don't know about responsive desire. They expect that sex life should be present all of the time (spontaneous desire) or most of the time in order to have it. So if you don’t feel it, then you probably don’t have it.
But this is not totally true. Responsive desire is when you get more and more aroused in time. It is not a big rush, but rather dipping your toe and when everything is ok, you slowly allow yourself to dip deeper. It is almost like having touchstones on the way, parts that spark your fire more and more as you go further. It is totally normal.
If your partner knows this, and can facilitate this, everything works like a charm. When not, it can mean a lot of struggle and self-sabotage.
You are not initiated according to your erotic blueprint
I have a lots of posts about Erotic Blueprints and why it is a game changer to know yours (and your partners). It is like the love languages, but for sex. If you are high on Energetic, you need teasing, longing, challenges and feeling connected to feel your desire. If you are sensual, circumstances are super important so that you can relax into the moment into your body… The more you know, the more you can create the ideal scenario.
This is not everything, but I promised the main reasons. And I would start looking around these points to see where you are now and what you can do.