5 things NOT to do when you want to kinkify your sex life

Introducing BDSM into your partnered sex life is one of the hottest things that can happen to you. But it will require both of you to take risks. I want to support you so that you will start this erotic expansion in a safe and juicy way. So here are 5 tips about what not to do in order to avoid jeopardising your juicy kinky journey.

Don’t try to precisely recreate elaborate fantasies - Use inspiration and find you own way based on both of you

This is the most common mistake I encounter. You or your partner encountered something hot and juicy that stuck with you. It lives in your head rent free and you want to live that fantasy out and make it totally yours.

Unfortunately what you think how you would feel and how you really are is not necessarily the same, even if everything happens exactly the way you imagined it to be. And the reason for it is that you have an inner agenda and you compare and try to control and manage everything, and this is going to stop you from connecting to your pleasure and feel free. This is undermining you and also your partner's participation. This is about your chemistry, playfulness and dynamics together and it is a work in progress. The more you can support this instead of trying to perform the juicier your kinky play is going to be.

Don’t act like you know what you actually don’t - it is allowing yourself to explore

Educating yourself about BDSM is a must, so that is a foundational piece, and still how you react in real life is not necessarily how things are going to be for you and/or for your partner. Also if you want this more than your partner maybe you try to act more confident than you actually are, but you are human. It is ok to go slower, to make mistakes or to explore your limits and reactions before you build a whole play around them.

When I studied to become an Erotic Blueprint coach, my teacher shared one of her experiences with a professional about the importance of knowing what you say yes to. She went to this session because she wanted to be dominated. Before the session they talked about limits, and she was asked if she is ok with breath play. She said yes, because her previous experiences as breath play were related to tantra, so they were about breathing together. So she was super surprised when she had to fight for breath… So the more you can clarify things, the easier it will be to navigate the risks.

Don’t start without communicating in detail - It is important to know the limits, boundaries, wants, needs and desires…

Now that you are ready to show up honestly, you will find plenty of consent lists/BDSM lists on the internet as a base, so that you can talk through where you are in this moment, what you have experiences with, what you have a yes for and of course what you don’t want to do. After you have had some experiences, you can come back and see how you feel about these things in that moment. Your list is going to change with time, so accept where you are right now, and use these yesses as building blocks.

There are plenty of kinky games that are also going to open the communication and inspire you. 

Don’t force your partner and/or yourself to do something they are not ready for - and this doesn’t mean that you have to totally give up

As I wrote before, the list of what is exciting to you is going to change in the future. It is going to grow or it can even close off more, it depends a lot on how you go about your kinks. Go slow. Try the new toys before you build a session around them. When you want to explore something new it is natural to take risks, but it matters how much and what. Your empowered kinky erotic persona has to be based on you and not on a fantasy image. Explore who you are in your kinks. What you like to wear. How you like to talk. What your favourite toys are. What about your body language?... When you feel like there is nothing to build on, try to explore this empowered kinky erotic persona and you will get inspired and instead of feeling like an imposter you get to step into a part of yourself.

And of course a safeword is essential for the both of you, and always respect it. You needing to stop the play doesn’t mean that you are a failure, but that you take care of yourself and/or your partner. 

Don’t forget about aftercare - connection and integration make it possible to create your juicy kinky play

Aftercare is crucial. It is going to help your nervous system to recover. It is ok to not know beforehand and you can focus on what you need in the moment, but plan for it. Maybe you need to be alone a bit, or maybe you need to feel your partner. Giving yourself space and time at the end of the play to ground, connect and nourish yourself is going to make a huge difference regarding how you feel about what you experienced. 

This is not necessarily the time to talk everything through, return to it a bit later when you come back to earth and both of you are open and receptive.