Hot, juicy, sexy time…
Is this what you want?
But something is just off.
You know that there is more for you, but how to get there?
What is blocking you?
When I work with my clients we go into erotic detective mode and we go deep into everything from hormones to emotional challenges…
But one of the things we do together just “clicks” for them, and just like when the lights go on, they understand why there is no arousal. And this piece most of the times is related to the erotic shadow.
Most of the time people think about the erotic shadow as the dark side of their sexuality, but we won’t use in this sense here. Erotic shadows are where you loosing your erotic power, it is a special environment or dynamic which causes for you to turn off.
Of course there are more than 5 shadows, but these are the ones I see the most often. It doesn’t matter if you have a partner or not, these dynamics still can affect your arousal and aliveness or your relationship with pleasure.
Safety is a foundational piece for arousal. Maybe you have health concerns. It can be an emotional challenge. You can be afraid to be judged. Or maybe your environment feels off…
Most of the safety concerns can be sorted. (This is why it is important to explore them on a deeper level.)
Grounding is amazing and can help you to feel more resilient and centred.
Communication and acceptance are also keys to bring out the best in this case.
Physical factors and sensuality can be amazing resources to be nourished. But they can also be the reason why you or your partner shut down. And some people are very sensually sensitive. When you take care of their sensual needs all of a sudden there is ease and openness. They can’t focus on pleasure when the environment is not right.
How is your bedroom? Does it make you think of pleasure?
Are the textures inviting? Is the room tidy and clean?
Body odour will turn them off. So have a shower and wash your teeth before you initiate. Even in the midst of intense passion they will shut down by filth and smell.
Just imagine, you got home from a journey, and can’t wait to be together. And they missed you the same. But if you don’t smell good and you are not fresh this will be all that your partner can think of. It is easy to fix this and unleash them from this state.
They also can have an aversion from the juices of sex. This also can be changed.
Some people love orgasm control and denial, but it is the most frustrating thing for others. They don’t even want to start to have sex if they can’t be sure of the happy ending. Falling back from being high on arousal is their archenemy.
This is more common than you think. People get their sexual education from porn, movies, romance novels… and they have never put the work into knowing their arousal map. This is especially true for pleasers. They focus so much on their partners that they forget about themselves.
It feels less vulnerable this way and receiving makes them uncomfortable. The problem usually is that they build resentment unconsciously, and this starts to sabotage the connection and also shuts their arousal down.
Erotic freedom requires flow and openness or the energy dissipates. And it starts within ourselves. Being present for desire and learning to recognise our needs and limitations creates the foundation for bliss.
We tend to create patterns for arousal. We feel more in control when you know what happens and when.
The other “pattern” is when you have a special fetish. Fetishes are super highways for arousal. But when the circumstances are different and the fetishes not “fed” you just feel empty and not aroused. Everything feels flat compared to the intensity of the fetish.
So fetish or patterns can work like a magic wand. But when you don’t have access to the pathways provided by them, arousal feels unreachable.
You can expand your erotic wiring. It requires openness, willingness and work, but it is not possible. Inner freedom is the key here.