There is this very interesting debate about how we see and think about “successful” sex. Our perception is pretty much related to how we define “classic” male sexuality. Don’t let yourself or others put you in a box and cut you off from what is possible for you.
This is my term here, because I couldn’t find an “official” term, but stay with me, I will explain everything to you, so that you can liberate yourself from the limitations of the outdated “framework”.
Classic male sexuality is penis and ejaculation centred sexuality. When a man is aroused he is supposed to have an erection. His goal “should” be to have an orgasm with ejaculation at the end. His sexual value is often based on his penis, his erectionc and how long he can last so that he can make his partner happy.
Classic female sexuality is based on this image. So hence he is successful if he is erect and at the end cums, she is successful if she is moist and she cums too. It is the female version of the male version.
And this “framework” is very restrictive to everybody involved. Why?
Satisfaction and fulfilment are not necessarily related to orgasms. As an Erotic Blueprint coach one of the main thing I help with is to identify what exactly fulfilling to someone, so that they can ask for it and create experiences where they feel satisfied and deeply nourished. And this is a huge spectrum. Orgasms are a part of it, but they are not everything.
Erection and lubrication doesn’t necessarily mean being aroused (And the other way around is also true, the lack of them doesn’t necessarily mean that the person is not aroused. Read more about this here.).
Thinking about your (and your partner's) sexuality as male and female sexuality is not coming from an authentic place where you are free to be you and express yourself the way it would feel natural to you, but you try to play a role and follow the learned rules that don’t necessarily come from real, embodied experience.
I cringe a little every time I read or hear about male or female sexuality, because it comes from roles. And if your sexuality complies to these roles consider yourself lucky. This just doesn’t mean that your partner or friend has the same needs, boundaries, desires and turn ons. Try to have a curious approach rather than presume things.
I had male bodied clients who were primarily sensual with a need for foreplay and connection before intercourse expected to act sexually when they were not there yet. This can cause erectile dysfunction and can be easily “fixed” by exploring the needs and turn-ons and acting accordingly.
I know vulva bodied sexually primal women told to be too much and shame for their passion and desire…
One of the things I hear a lot from penis bodied people is how lucky people with a vulva are, because they can have multiple orgasms.
The truth is, that you can also have multiple orgasms even if you have a penis. Not just multiple anal or energetic orgasms or whatever… It is about separating ejaculation from orgasms.
It is like you have intercourse and you can have an orgams without ejaculation and not losing erection. Kinda having your cake and eating it too.
When orgasm doesn’t mean the end of the connection it means that you can have sex as long or short as you want. You can go on and have several orgasms in row without losing your erection. You can stop any time and restart anytime.
As I once wrote:
“When I’m having and erotic experience I don’t stop when I’m having an orgasm. I stop when I’ve had enough (for now).”
And I talk about erotic experiences here, not “just sex”.
Because when your experience does not depend on your erection and ejaculation you have so much freedom. A whole new world opens for you and for your partner.
You can focus more on your connection, on your presence, the richness of your experience…
When you are not afraid of being soft and your partner can accept this you can build a whole new intimacy bridge between you.
I have to admit here, that when a man chooses to focus on presence, connection and intimacy he often meets resistance from his partner.
The “classic male sexuality” is limiting for everybody, not just the men.
It happens a lot that when there is no erection the partner loses confidence. In my work with so called erectile dysfunction I often find that penises are super sensitive to the environment. When their partners are judging them or themselves for the lack of erection it is much more challenging to change the situation.
When there is acceptance and both of them have pleasure anyway oftentimes the erection comes back. It is almost like a test “can we connect when I don’t provide the erection”?
I know this is something that is not scientifically proven, but it is something that I experienced mostly through my clients.
So many men don’t even learn how to awaken pleasure in other parts of their bodies. They don’t focus on building nerve endings, mapping their arousal, moving sexual energy.
This is also a part of where they lose erotic potential.
Wherever you are in your life, whatever your age is, being partnered or alone you can open the door for erotic richness and more layers of pleasure.
You are are at the right place here.