Being the one who initiates more is a vulnerable place to be. You express your desires and you have a lot of passion and when you are rejected it can be challenging to deal with all this fire and energy in you. Especially when this happens a lot.
And if you think this is a problem that only men have, you are wrong. I had clients of both genders who had a higher libido than their partners. Some of them felt that the problem was their partners, and some of them felt that they were the problem themselves.
The truth is there is nothing wrong with having a higher libido so having a lower one than your partner. The question is always what can you do that makes everybody happy and satisfied. And however it can seem impossible to see a way to make this happen you have options, you have tools. You can do a lot alone as well. You have power in this situation.
The more you know what works for your partner the more you can plan and be strategic about how you initiate and what you do.
And very probably you have already done lots of work around this. I hear this from my clients a lot. That they know more about their partner’s body than their partners themselves. But as we often find, this is not enough.
And when I’m talking about a map of arousal I’m not just talking about your partner’s body. I’m talking about all the things that are turning them on, and all the things that they need in order to be open for sex. And that is not the same as what they are into when you are already having sex.
You will find here a lot about Erotic Blueprint’s and arousal mapping and as you start to know more, you will understand the whole picture, and the actions you can take even better.
Sex doesn’t start in the bedroom or with a kiss or genital touch. It starts way beforehand. So if you expect your lower libido partner to jump on the opportunity to have sex because this is how your erotic wiring work, than you set yourself up for failure.
Those who are primarily Sexual in the Erotic Blueprints, are fast to turn on. It is natural for them to be aroused. But if your partner has a low libido, then it is more probable that he/she/they is not like this. So expecting them to turn on “just because” you touched them will make them feel used rather than sexy.
What made them tick before? When are they the happiest? Do they need romance, music and a relaxed atmosphere? Or do they need to be teased? Do they want to feel connected? Gazing into each other's eyes? Complimenting something about them what is not sexual? A clean room? Freshly showered and clean teeth? Maybe you dressing a certain way?
What makes them feel special, safe and cared for?
Really pay attention to the details here and remember your best times. What were the common dynamics?
Not just plan to win, but be strategic, because it will help the both of you to meet and start from there.
I know this sounds weird. I don’t mean to feed them with food (except if this is their thing), but to have times with their fulfilment in the focus. As a coach one of the new things I teach to my clients after making the map of arousal is the concept of feeding their blueprints.
Sexuals tend to think that orgasms and penetration give the fulfilment, but energetics for example want to feel the strength of the connection and their heart. Sensuals want their senses to be fed. Massages, textures, scents, taste, music… If your partner is Kinky maybe they have a non even sexual fetish that gives them fulfilment.
So feeding sessions are about them also getting what they are craving for deep down. Sometimes they are not even aware of this, until they find their erotic wirings, and realize what makes them feel the most fulfilled.
Start to create and put energy into a sex life where both of you get real fulfilment.
When you touch your partner with the intention to get from them they usually react by taking a step back or feeling irritated. You and probably them can’t put your finger on what exactly happened. The truth is that the intention and energy can be felt. Impatience can be felt. And low libido partners tend to be very sensitive to this, and they shut down.
They usually feel very guilty and not having a rational explanation doesn’t help the situation either. Most low libido partner feel that they are responsible for their partners lack of sexual satisfaction. This makes them feel trapped. It is hard to find your arousal when this is the dynamic.
This is why learning to give them space so that they can feel themselves is essential. You being able to accept them and give them space without expecting them to make you happy and to satisfy you, opens them up to be with you, and helps them to access their arousal easier.
The “problem” with this is that you can’t fake it. You really have to be ok inside with them being free and allow space for them to feel. This is usually the most challenging for my clients. They can’t fake it. It doesn’t work this way. But when they really get this, it means a new chapter for the relationship.
This is when you take another step back. It is not just about giving space, but creating a distance or some kind of a challenge.
When something is made taboo, you desire it even more. It is more in your thought, in your energy. This is a little bit about flipping the dynamic. Of course it is not for everybody, but it works amazingly with those who have lots of Energetic in their arousal map.
For example, you can tell them that they are not allowed to kiss you yet.
Tell them how hot they look tonight, but add, that you won’t have sex…
And see them lighting up.
Also show them my post written for them about what they can do, if they are open to it.