I often talk to people who actually want to self-pleasure more, because they know that masturbation actually is good for them, and it is also healthy, but somehow they just don’t feel like actively doing anything about it. It feels like there is a wall between you right here and right now and the version of you all turned on and in pleasure.
Don’t compartmentalise pleasure
I see this all the time. When in your head pleasure is an island, and it is felt in bed while you are having sex then you are missing out, and you need to make lots of bridges. Pleasure is everywhere and it is available every second of the day. Pleasure can be temperature, visual elements, beauty, music, texture, scents, memories, taste, smile, movement, energy… everything that feels good.
You can develop the skill to become more aware of this pleasure inside and around you. It is almost like allowing yourself to open a door to it. And then just get back to your “normal” day, where pleasure is not in your bandwidth. Switch on and off several times. Learning to open up to pleasure and then just switch to something else is going to help you to become more resilient. Your nervous system is going to handle the switches better and you are also going to be aware of all kinds of pleasure in your life, rather than assuming nothing is there. It is all about conditioning and trusting.
It is ok to “lose” your connection to pleasure because you will know that you can “check in” again with ease. When pleasure feels safe and available to you it won’t be compartmentalised in order to keep yourself safe.
It is ok to have some moments and not stay in your “open to pleasure “ state. Don’t judge yourself for it, just play with it, and your whole sex life is going to change, including becoming more orgasmic.
Focus on the yesses rather than the nos
The other challenge that I see most often with clients is that when they don’t feel aroused or they lose the wave of pleasure and they start to spiral down. They judge themselves, they feel empty and discouraged. They rather stop at this point or even better don’t even start anything that can lead to this feeling. Everywhere they look it is “just” a huge NO. This is why the 1st point is also important to break this pattern, but there is more that you can do.
You can condition your mind to look for the yesses. What would feel good in this moment?
Maybe you will find that you want to stop, then stop, and hold yourself here, and thank yourself for listening.
Maybe you want to slow down and go lighter. Then do that.
Maybe you want to just be here and experiment seeing where it goes.
Maybe you want a totally different kind of pleasure, like a hot bath, then do that and see where your next yes is…
So instead of giving focus to what is wrong, try to see what would feel good. It is totally ok to say no to something. It is totally ok, to give yourself space to feel into what you want deep down. And sometimes that is nothing. Then just stay there and allow yourself this space and presence.
When you do this without judgement you condition yourself to listen in and respect yourself. Start small and it is going to become more natural with time. Letting go of agendas and shoulds and be in the present moment connected is the foundation of a healthy sex life.
Forget about the end result
Pleasure is work and effort for a lot of people. You try to navigate everything and bring yourself and/your partner to a climax. You build the intensity up and try to stay on track so that you can finish fast and strong. At least this is how most people describe their experience to me. Ease and effortlessness is the last thing in their mind. And the more you focus on the end game=orgasm the more you become tense and hold your breath the more you sabotage your fulfilment. Even if you have an orgasm, you don’t really feel satisfied and juicy and energised, but rather depleted.
It is much harder to have an orgasm when you are expected to have one rather it is your partner or you that wants to push you over the edge by force.
Your orgasmic potential is huge and it is way more than “just” experiencing a climax and now you are done. And of course you can challenge yourself to have more orgasms or focus on orgasmic goals, but there is another way to tap into this potential, and that starts with letting go of the usual agenda and allow yourself to ride the waves of pleasure. This is a journey of surprises, where you start to feel new sensations, where you experience yourself and your body in a very new, different way.
When you try to do the same thing again and again you create a pattern, and it seems like the safe thing to do and keep everything predictable and in control. Except that this way you limit yourself and sooner or later your pattern becomes boring and you lose interest.
You can just do some small changes.
Like for example self-pleasure on a chair and not in the bed.
A new position.
A new toy…
If you use fantasies, change them…
Play with a body just for the sake of playing.
When you change a pattern it can happen that first you feel like they don’t work, because they don’t feel like your usual ways. And this is normal. When you allow yourself to feel different and go slow everything changes in a very new, thrilling way. We tend to think that a new lover (or our partner showing up differently) is going to bring us, so we wait. But our pleasure is emanating from us. It is not a new person giving you a new experience. It is you experiencing yourself differently with a new person. But the potential and the possibilities live in you, you can cultivate pleasure in yourself to become the best lover for yourself and for your partner(s).
So forget about the end result and lose the agendas, because you are underestimating yourself, but new horizons require presence, openness and freedom.