Sometimes it is hard to believe that pleasure is there for you even when you don’t feel it. But it is there. If you are like most people you probably try to boost your drive, do more, push yourself more, or avoid sex and/or self-pleasure.
Most people feel ashamed when they have no access to all their pleasure potential (or sometimes pleasure in general). We have this expectation that we need to be good at sex, that everything should just work out, that you should be receptive and turned on and orgasm just the right time. If this doesn’t happen, it is probably because there is a problem with you (or your partner).
What if I tell you that you can change that?
What if I tell you, that all the struggle, shame and frustration that you feel is something that you can process, understand and change. That you are able to transform your situation.
It starts with understanding yourself (and your partner more). It is a discovery where you allow yourself to experience your own erotic wiring and learn about what is working for you but most importantly what to do with the things that are not working in your sex life.
Emily Nagoski has an amazing metaphor about the accelerators and brakes in sexuality. When you push both of them at the same time, it won’t go smoothly. Releasing the brakes (the shadows and obstacles of sexuality) is way more effective then accelerating even more while your brakes are full on.
So let’s talk about the shadows of the Erotic Blueprints to start to release some of those breaking forces.
When I say shadows, this is not about the dark side of sexuality, but I’m talking about your brakes, the forces that are holding you back so that you can’t enjoy your sexual potential freely.
I know that not all of you are familiar with the Erotic Blueprints, which is fine, you can find your “shadows” here anyway or read about your unique erotic wiring more here in the blog, and discover a whole new language to describe and express your sexual dynamics better.
(But I included a short description of the blueprints anyway here.:))
You don’t necessarily have the shadows of the blueprint, so just because you know your partner’s erotic blueprint, it doesn’t mean that they have the shadows. Be open to discover rather than to project.
Energetic Erotic Blueprint
Energetics are turned on by anticipation, teasing, longing. They are highly sensitive and intuitive, they can feel if you are present with them or what is going on inside you when you are with them. They can have hands free, whole body orgasms too.
Energetic Erotic Blueprint shadows:
Super sensitivity: Even though sensitivity can be an amazing erotic blessing, can also be a big obstacle. For an energetic oftentimes less is more. The sensitivity that can provide them with having orgasms without even being touched can short circuit their system too.
Often -especially when we are talking about their orgasm difficulties- we find out that they are overstimulated and dissociate from their bodies or “just” shut down. So many of them consider themselves numb, while they are actually the opposite. They can be so sensitive that they unconsciously try to protect themselves by shutting down and/or not being present with their feelings, sensations.
They can learn to ground themselves and be present more, as well as what kind of touches and sensations work for them, so that they can thrive and really enjoy their amazing sensitivity.
Boundaries: Energetics can feel their partners so much that sometimes it is hard for them to differentiate if a feeling or sensation belongs to them or to their partner. They feel so responsible for the happiness of their partners too, that this can make it very hard for them to focus on their own pleasure, asking for what they want or even saying no to something that is not pleasurable for them, because they don’t want to disappoint their partners.
The more their boundaries are overstepped, the more probable that they are going to shut down and blame themselves for it.
They need distance and freedom to feel: this is something that usually surprises a lot of energetics (and their partners). The juiciest part of the kiss is when the lips are almost touching. When there is an obstacle they almost “overextend themselves” to connect the other person. They turn on when you step (physically and energetically) back and tease them. When you expect them to do something for you or you have an agenda for them, they can easily feel trapped and turn off. When they know that they have to perform, they can often become anxious and lose access to their pleasure.
Hierarchical thinking: this shadow is about thinking that the physical realm is not as worthy of time and attention as the energetic one. They sometimes opt for pleasure that does not necessarily involve the physical body, intercourse, touches, hence they find these too primitive and vulgar… They can have a satisfactory erotic life without the physical too, this is a shadow, because there is a lot of pleasure potential that is lost here for them and for their partners as well.
Sensual Erotic Blueprint
Sensuals are hungry to feel more. They want their senses involved. Visuals, scents, textures, tastes, music and moans… give these to them, and they will purr like a happy, satisfied cat.
This is what most people identifies as female sexuality, while actually plenty of men are primarily sensual, suppressing lots of their erotic potential, because “a man shouldn’t enjoy their senses”, and they feel ashamed about their sensuality. Especially that most sensuals are so much into romance, and it is important for them to connect, and they are amlot into foreplay. They need to relax in order to open to pleasure and turn on. But when everything is alright they can have amazing, full body orgasms, so as sense related orgasms. Delicious, isn’t it?
Sensual Erotic Blueprint shadows
No relaxation, no turn on: Sensuals need to slow down, and know that everything is going to be alright in order to drop into their bodies and allow themselves to feel. They can easily lose themselves in their thoughts and worries if something is not alright. The more you are able to create an environment that is free of disturbing elements, beautiful and nourishing, the more they open to pleasure.
Elusive orgasms: The climax is getting closer and closer, they are almost there, at the edge of the orgasm. Except that they are not. Falling back from almost coming. And they start to build the orgasm again. Except that the same thing happens… I know a lot of you are familiar with this regardless of your gender.
Most of it is related to the first shadow, the relaxation part. The nervous system is alert when you go above the comfortable limit. This is something that can be changed by working with the nervous system, helping to feel grounded and relaxed and give that mind other tasks rather than sabotaging riding those waves of pleasure.
The shadows of the senses: When everything is in harmony and nice and there are no distractions, the Sensuals can easily indulge in pleasure. But just one thing is enough for them to fall off the pleasure train and be distracted. This can be just the socks on the ground, or some loud noise on the street, the temperature, an unpleasant breath… So the more prepared you are to deal with these factors, the more chances you have to enjoy a long, slow, mind-blowing, sensually erotic session with them. Preparation is key. They can also learn to be more tolerant to outside factors with some help and commitment.
Bodily fluids and odours: Sexuals love the juices of sex. Sensuals… not that much. Sweat, not being freshly showered, having an unpleasant scent, squirting, ejaculation… can freak them out. Not necessarily all of these, but most of them can find some of these very human factors disturbing and a turn off. You can learn to organise your sex life around these turn offs, like having shower before sex or they can learn to embrace some of these factors.
They need time to arrive: It is not just the outside factors that counts, but also connections. I had some male, highly sensual clients whose “erectile dysfunction” was only present when they were actually not ready to have sex with their partner yet. They wanted to connect deeper and feel safe. But hence a man has to be ready for action they try to push themselves. Except that their cock also had his own agenda of not rushing into something new. Slowing down, cuddling, connecting, co-regulating their nervous system with their partners can totally be a game changer for them.
End of part 1.