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I answered a question recently about a threesome. I am not allowed to quote the question, but I am allowed to give you a summary of it. My answer is a bit more here, so that more people would find it useful.


The question came from a woman. She has had fantasies about a 3some with 2 men for a long time. And she asked her partner about making it happen. She didn’t have any guy for the task. She just wanted to involve another man, not extending her relationship.


Her partner wasn’t happy with the idea. He also had strict boundaries about what is ok with him, which allowed only touching and nothing else.
He also opened the conversation about having a 2 women 1 man  3some in the future, also a unicorn one.


What do you think about this?


And what would your answer be in a case like this?



My answer comes from my previous personal experience and also as a coach.



I can feel her excitement. It is also very bold and risky to open a conversation about a desire that involves somebody else. 


This is so tempting. Especially if you have years behind you when you were masturbating fantasising about moresomes.


And the first thing to clarify here is what exactly is arousing to you here?


Is it sharing pleasure with more than one person?
Somebody holding space for you so that you can really be free?

The abundance of the sensations and potentials that are now multiplied?
The free flow of pleasure?
The bodies?
Being overwhelmed?
Two partners co-operating for your pleasure?

The energies and dynamics?

That you can unleash your inner slut?
Is it including power dynamics where the arousal is for you?

Or something else?



The more you can be, the better. And it is ok not being sure, especially when this “only” has happened in your fantasies yet.


This helps to know what to look for and what to ask for.


But there is something else as important here:

Knowing what you don’t want.


One of the things, the can When you have to worry about your partner and his/her feelings you can’t relax into the experience.

When your partner feels that they have to compete with the other person, that the 3some is not about sharing an experience of pleasure. But it is a competition and struggle. If you are into this, then good, do it. But she is not. She wants this to be something that they do together from joy and pleasure.


I had only 2 bad 3somes. And I had plenty of amazing, mind blowing ones too. And I learned my lessons about communication, personal responsibility and the importance of dynamics. I’m not saying I can’t have challenges in the future. Anybody can, but I am more prepared now.



So if a 3some doesn’t provide you what you want, I would suggest saying no to it. And don’t move forward.
Whatever emotions are present you are going to feel them amplified. If there is doubt or insecurity, you will feel it 100 times more.
If there is jealousy, that will be intensified too.
But this is true to joy, desire and arousal as well.


So if the idea of a 3some creates tension now, that won’t go away. You will feel it more.


But you can clear it up with communication and with working on securing your attachment even more. Express the love that is present in your relationship. 

You can also involve the fantasy of a a 3some in your sex life right now.

You can add sex toys to have more sensations. Especially blindfolded.
Watch different moresome porns together or read stories (if that suits the situation better), and discuss what you see.
You can even go to a swinger club if you want and soft swing, which means that you are only with your partner that night, but you can look around, have sex with just eachother, witness others, familiarize yourself with all the dynamics that are present. It is going to help to clear what exactly is arousing to you. 


Look for the common ground that is there, and expand slowly from this place if there is openness.