What does make a person a good lover?
And what does make a person an extraordinary one?
We expect ourselves to know what to do in bed. Having that primal instinct to lead us and to know what we are doing.
Our sex education is coming from several different resources. From what we heard as children from others, magazines, movies, porn, partners, friends… We have lots of beliefs about sex that we are not even aware of.
Most people think that learning more about the tips and tricks of sex is the key. And tips and tricks can be awesome. They provide variety, something new and inspiring. More knowledge can mean more freedom, more pleasure, more orgasms.
But only if the basics are at the right place. And these 3 pillars/basics make a huge difference. I call them skills, because you can practice them and develop them, so that you embody them, and they become natural to you. They can be your superpowers.
When you have these 3 pillars at place and you naturally “own” them, you have space to play with all the tips, tricks, toys, fantasies…
It is almost like you have a more reliable access to pleasure and the freedom to ride waves and not to worry about what is next.
So let's talk about these 3 underrated skills of an extraordinary lover.
There is no juicy, satisfying sex without presence. If you are not there, if you are somewhere else, like in your mind or outside of your body, then you won’t be able to attune to the pleasure that is already there for you, and you won’t feel what you want more or less of.
I hear over and over again from my clients that they are in their head a lot. Almost like something that they accept as a limitation. But as I wrote to you before, being present is a skill, and you can change the pattern of being out of your body.
Why are you/your partner not present in the body?
Being present means to allow yourself to feel and this can be way more challenging than most people think. Especially if you are not used to it.
Not being present can be
- a response to trauma
- sensitivity (and most people underestimate how sensitive they are)
- caused by resentment related to the partner
- caused by resentment towards sex
When you practice how to be present for pleasure (not only for yours but for your partners too), you are going to feel more. This is why being present can be challenging. But you can learn to tune to the frequency of pleasure. You can learn to feel safe and stable in your own body and be open to all the juicy aliveness inside of you at the same time.
This is why the next skill is here for
You can only ride the waves that are there for you, and if you can feel them. And you can feel them, when you are in your body. This is why being present is important. To be there for the wave and catch it and ride it.
How to do that?
Be open to what is there. Don’t try to follow an agenda, because you lose the flow of pleasure. When you accept the present moment there is an opening to move forward, to expand, to elevate your and your partner’s level of pleasure.
Even if there is a challenge. The sooner you accept that and allow yourself to feel what would be needed and what would feel the best for you, the less time and energy you lose because of resistance and being stuck.
You can’t win a sexual challenge by resisting it and allow it to won your presence. Suppressing doesn’t work either, but accepting the current moment as it is, and giving yourself permission to find what you need and what would feel good even when things are not how you expected them.
Slow down, and feel.
Focus on your body, your breathing, the temperature.
What feels good at this moment?
And what would make this moment even better?
Rather than fighting for what you think you should feel and when and how to get there, open to feel the moment. This attunement involves sometimes surprising needs and inspirations. Maybe slowing down would feel better.
Maybe you need a sip of water.
Maybe you have to say something out loud that is in the way to connect.
Maybe you want to feel more pressure when your partner is touching you.
Maybe you need more playfulness.
Maybe you need more seriousness…
Maybe you want a hand on your back.
Maybe you want to gaze into each others eyes.
The more you learn to attune to your needs and the waves of pleasure the more natural riding them will be. Your experience will be intensified.
Awareness is crucial here so as taking action according to this awareness. Always attune to what is in your body rather than what you think you should do.
I know this sounds weird for a lot of people. What do I mean by awakened hands?
What do you feel when you touch yourself?
And what do you feel when you touch your partner?
When your hands are awakened, you can feel with them, and you can touch better. It feels like your palms would have a buzz, and they are tingling with aliveness.
When your hands are awake you can feel how your stroke is landing so you can adjust and give exactly what your partner wants (even if they don’t communicate this to you, or they have no idea what kind of touch would feel good to them). Some people do this without being aware of it, hence it feels normal to them.
There is a whole lot of difference between touch and touch. When your hands are awakened your partner will feel you more too. Almost like if you would have an invisible superpower. It can be your secret. If you learn how to establish this intensified connection you can facilitate the movement of sexual energy and even if your partner has learned to be attuned to this feeling they can have full body, energetic orgasms without even being physically touched. Yes, your hand can be felt even without physically touching your partner.
But this is not only true for partnered sex. It has a significance in self-pleasure as well. You can give yourself a new quality of touch, when you feel more about how to adjust that in order to make it perfect for you, or to feel where you have blocks to work through. As I told you this is possible, and it is a skill that can be learned.
When it is about your sexual education the attunement to the truth of your body and starting to play with it makes such a big difference. Explore what is possible for you, and what it is that you are deeply craving for.