I know the feeling.
You want to cum. It is time.
Like just now.
Or within a minute or something.
But it just doesn’t happen.
You get closer and closer to come except that it just doesn’t happen.
You start to grip to avoid losing the orgasmic wave.
But it just happens anyway.
Orgasms are elusive and require lots of effort. And sometimes you may wonder if they are worth that effort at all. And I have to tell you that not only women but men can struggle with this.
There are several factors that can influence your orgasmic abilities. From your hormonal balance to emotional and energetic blocks… the list can go long. Which doesn’t mean that you don’t have tools to get the abundance and ease of orgasms that you are looking for.
This is why I have become a sex coach. I struggled with orgasms, just like you (I suppose if you read this post, this is the case for you.) but today I’m super orgasmic. So the transformation to become orgasmic is my main speciality, this is what I know the most of.
I know, I know. You are in the experience, aren’t you? If you are not in your pleasure, if you are not breathing pleasure, if you are not enjoying yourself, but you are in your head or you are dissociating from your body, then you are not in the experience.
But before you start to blame yourself for it, you have to know that this happens to a lot of people, especially sensitive people. They become overwhelmed and distance themselves from what is happening.
The good news is that you can “train” yourself to come back and be resilient. You create a choice over and over again. When you find yourself being out of the pleasure zone, don’t resist or blame or fight it, but:
Realize that you are out of the experience
Know that you can come back and allow yourself to feel pleasure
Then come back and allow yourself to feel pleasure
Start to feel. Whatever you can. Maybe that is the temperature. Maybe something that touches your skin. Maybe the stability of the bed. Maybe something else.
If this is too much to start, anchor yourself in the surroundings first. Grab something stable, and feel its stability.
Focus on your breathing. Exhale longer than inhale.
Allow yourself to feel if you need something at this very moment. Yes you can have needs at any time, no matter how “deep” you are in the experience. Even if you are a man. (One of the main reasons for erectile dysfunction is coming from this override too.)
If you don’t allow yourself to listen and override your needs, your body will resist you after a while. Your struggles with orgasms can be already a “symptom” of this non cooperation. You like it or not the two of you have to be on the same page here. Orgasms are unapologetic, and the body has its own truth, and disregarding this will cause a disconnection.
Most people don’t really learn how to listen and attune to their desires and needs, but follow what they think they should do in the moment. Don’t be one of them, and you liberate your orgasmic potential.
I've just said that orgasms are unapologetic. The more expectations or agendas you or your partner have, the harder it is to achieve an orgasm.
You have to learn how to be in the moment, and in the next, and in the next. Focusing on what feels good for you and following the pleasure wave.
Most people who are struggling with orgasms have a pattern. A fantasy or a mixture of fantasies or a special order of things, touches, stimulations that help them to get off quite reliably. It is slow and it is closed but most of the time it works. Except when it stops working.
And except that it cuts you off of the real connection and experience.
You won’t own your pleasure and your experience if you don’t attune to it. This is a skill to learn and not a cookie cutter that you can use over and over again.
I find this so essential, and at the same time so overlooked. How fulfilling an experience will be is not defined by how many orgasms you had and how often. When the orgasm is not the goal, but a “side effect” of the ride of pleasure then you will reap more juicy satisfaction.
I remember when I decided that my experiences won’t be about fighting for orgasms any longer. I accepted that orgasms are not coming easy. :))) And I allowed myself to feel what is there, and follow it. I opened myself to the present moment and learned to attune to the waves of pleasure. And you know, what happened? Tons of unexpected, intense, juicy orgasms on the side so effortlessly, so naturally… I was amazed.
I really focused on the experience and what I feel rather than what I think I should feel and when, and that was a game changer for me. Does this make me or my experiences more valuable? To be honest, not. I mean that I can have like 30 orgasms a night, no problem. And I enjoy this for sure.
Does this mean that when I have 30 orgasms I'm more satisfied than having only 1 or none?
No. In my top 3 experiences not the orgasms define the “score”. I now what is fulfilling for me, and however orgasms are a part of it, I have so many other factors that are as breath-taking and intense as orgasms,
I had a client once who struggled with orgasms, except that she had them. We call them missed orgasms (I also had those too). When your mind doesn’t register your experience as orgasm, while it is. Maybe because it feels different than what you expect or maybe your in your erotic self-definition you don’t have them… For her this was a downward spiral, where she thought she didn’t have orgasms. So her partner also thought she didn’t have an orgasm, which meant they failed. Failed again and again and again. This is what I call not validating the experience. Don’t appreciate the pleasure that is there, and the experience, the playfulness, the connection, the passion, the heat…
So they started to have less and less sex. Why would you want to just feel like a loser again?
As we were working together she realised that she actually had orgasms. That her internal orgasms feel different than her clitoral ones. She actually was able to identify at least 3 different types of orgasms she was having all those times where they thought they were failing.
After this realisation she was finally able to relax into the experience and “just” enjoy what is happening without any pressure and expectation. New gates opened for them.
And the main difference was the validation of the experience. No longer judging what happened, how things happened and when happened. They were free of this trap.
This is why a curious, adventurous attitude about pleasure and sexuality can break the shackles of conditioning and false beliefs.
Regardless of your sex you can have several different kind of orgasms.
Hands-free energetic orgasms, full body orgasms, the orgasms of the senses, nipple orgasms, anal orgasms, sub space…
And this list is not full.
Both feel different. And some of them happen spontaneously. And some happen when you witness other people having them. It is almost like a permission to allow yourself a new kind of pleasure.
The higher elevated states of pleasure are accessible, and maybe you have lots of wiring to nipple orgasms. But you don’t know this, and you just follow the same path to a “classic” orgasm. You will lose out of your orgasmic potential. The more you follow the same pattern the more challenging it is to change it. The less patterns and beliefs are around a different kind of orgasm the more access you have to it. So maybe building your orgasmic confidence start with a new territory.
Expand what is erotically possible for you. You can have the ease, the satisfaction and juice that you are craving for.