Is your partner too vanilla for you? This is what you can do

As an Erotic Blueprint coach my approach to sexuality and what is possible is a bit different from the classic female/male sexuality approach. I’m looking for the erotic wiring, and what authentically works for my client and their partner (if they have one). The exploration show the directions and also what we can use to build a juicier, more satisfying sex life where everybody gets what they want. 

The 5 Erotic Blueprints are: Energetic, Sensual, Sexual, Kinky and Shapeshifter. And when 1 person in a relationship is kinky and the other person is vanilla most people think that it is not really possible to build something mutually fulfilling. And however this can be true to some people, the vast majority have lots of options.

But let’s start with how not introduce kink to your partner

Most people with kinks have some fetishes or dynamics that work them like a charm. In most cases these are “only” fantasies, in some cases these are already lived experiences. And what they are looking for is a person to fulfil this fantasy/dynamic/fetish with them.

This is never a good idea. (Not just because if something is a fantasy you can’t even be sure how you would really feel in real life.) Why? Because it is not about having a connection, it is not about allowing your partner to really be who they are, and feel what they feel, but you expect them to play this role. It doesn’t matter if this role is dominant, submissive, sadistic, masochistic… but what does matter is that they can’t be themselves. 

So when you show them your favourite porn or stories even if they have curiosity and willingness to explore they are going to struggle with the expectations that you already have for them. 

Sometimes this expectation is expressed, sometimes it is not expressed but still can be felt. Your partner most probably will react with some kind of resistance and/or intimidation even if they are not aware of it.

How can you introduce kink to them in a way that works for them?

Give them space to feel what they feel

The less you expect them to provide you with the “right” dynamic for you and the more you give them space to explore their kinky side even if that starts small. Being kinky and having sexual desires outside of the box is challenging. There is a lot of shame around it, and even expressing your desires is a very vulnerable state. I get that, but you are the one who wants something from them, and accepting that maybe you won’t get that is actually going to give you more of a chance.

So let them feel, let them explore and accept when something is a no. Sometimes acceptance itself helps the both of you to clear some blocks and slowly move forward. 

This mindset is going to help you also at times when things won’t go as expected. The more prepared you and your partner are to be disappointed, the more you can use these times to build something together that works for the both of you. 

Be curious of what they think and feel about kinks - not just yours but in general

Introducing kinks to your partner is a bit easier nowadays, when BDSM is more acceptable, and people can have a lot of information including how kinks can be healthy. Being kinky is not the sign that something is wrong with you.

One of the best books I like to recommend is Cuffed, Tied and Satisfied from Jaiya. It is not overwhelming to anybody new and at the same time very real and helpful. It is her and her partner's journey to explore kinks including exploring both sides. 

Kinkify what they already like

What does your partner like in bed? Add your special spice to it. (I'm not talking about in a manipulating way, but opening into a new way to relate with patience and creativity.) The more you know about the erotic blueprints, the more options and tools you have.

Do they love teasing? Add more teasing to your time together with a little bit of kinky twist, that can be some kinky language or maybe a bit of an extra challenge. Sexting can help a lot by opening the doors to kinky dynamics.

Do they love massages and sensual experiences? What about blindfolding them? And some light bondage in a beautiful environment? Wearing some beautiful lingerie can also inspire them to spice things up. They would probably like temperature play. The more you can keep them in their bodies instead of their heads the more they are going to love it. 

Sensuals are very much into having the right set-up, so creating a scenario can work for them.

If your partner is sexual mixing sexuality and kinks is the way to go. Let them be slutty or use them. Whichever way works for them. Force them to have more orgasms. Let them beg for you. 

The main point is to use the foundation that is already there, that works and add some extra to it. And it is ok if it doesn’t work the way you imagined. 

 

Choose small steps

It is always easier to add a little bit than to start something from almost zero. When you only change one thing at a time, or explore one thing at a time you will know what worked and what did not. The more mixed something is, the more confusing it can be to find out what are the parts that you liked and what not. 

It requires less risks as well for you and for your partner to discover kinks this way than trying to create a whole scene. Don’t get me wrong you can expand your sex life in that direction with time. 

Also when you try something new having foundations and familiarity is going to provide continuity. 

Explore their kinky erotic persona

This is one of my favourite parts as a coach. Instead of expecting them to act a certain way or play a certain role they can allow a part of themselves to come out and play. Most of the time the person who is less kinky feels that what is expected from them is not them. They feel disempowered and a stranger.

So instead of trying to become a kinky person they will look inside and find their kinky erotic persona. This is still a big step but at the same time is an authentic exploration that already has roots.

How is their kinky erotic persona?

What do they look like?

What about their tone of voice?

Are they cold and icy or passionate? 

How do they dress?

Are they mobile and energetic or more passive?

Where do they feel good?

What toys do they like to have?

How do they like to be called?

What does turn them on?

And now it is your turn to be open and try to play according to their rules. 

Choose the tips that work the most for you and them or try to implement more of them.