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Are you often described as being a good girl or a good boy?
Are you a pleaser, focusing so much on your partner that you lose touch with your own desires?

When you are asked about what you want, is it hard to find the answer?

Do you find yourself sometimes freezing or afraid to express yourself?

This is very common. And before I go forward, I want to declare that there is nothing wrong with being a pleaser, a good girl or a good boy, if this is totally making you happy. But what I find is that in most cases this is not true. It is not authentic and not aligned with you. It is coming with problems with boundaries and lots of suppressed emotions.

And here is when this easy and juicy practice is coming into the picture.

Let’s imagine that you are free.


Totally free.

No limitations.

No consequences.

Nobody would judge you. Not even you.

No shame.



What would you do, if you could do anything?


I’m not asking you to write a to-do list here.


I’m not asking you to really do anything on the list.


I’m asking you to get in touch with your suppressed side.

The side of you that is craving for aliveness.

The side of you that is free.


The side of you that has desires.


It is normal to have desires.

Then why don't I ask you to write down your desires?

Because at the moment you are a good girl/good boy, out of touch with your wholeness.


Maybe because of your conditioning. 


Maybe because you learned at a very young age, that what you really want doesn’t matter, and desiring something is going to bring you disappointment. So you try to accommodate others and you hope for the best.

You don’t have to know exactly why you are desiring or not desiring something in order to find your way to happiness in life.


Your desires are a part of you. Even when you are not in touch with them.

They are there, and they are influencing your life.
The more you are “blind” to them or trying to suppress them, the more they are going to work hidden in the background undermining your efforts to find your happiness without them.

I’m not saying here to act on all of your desires. Not at all.

I’m saying that the more you are suppressing them and not paying real attention to them, the more powerful they can become without you realising it.

You are not responsible for your desires. And I know this is easy to say, when your desires are simple, ethical and attainable. But what about troublesome desires?

You are responsible for what you are doing about these desires.


Trying to sweep them under the carpet or acting like they weren't there doesn’t help.


The other “side effect” of suppressing these parts of yourself is shutting down more and more yourself and your aliveness. Or as I call it, “juice”.


So what you are going to do now is to give yourself at least a 15 minutes time frame, privacy and comfort. Close your eyes, and ask yourself:



If I were a bad girl/boy I would …


And allow yourself to really, truly enjoy all the thoughts, images, feelings, sensations that are arising. Anything.

You don’t have to act on them. “Just” acknowledge them.

One by one.

And feel them.

What do you feel in your body?

Breath calmly. In and out.


It is your inner world.

It is safe there.


When you finished, move your fingers and toes.


Feel the temperature around you.


Open your eyes.

Look around.

Identify 3 colours.



You are back here.


In your body.

In your life.

You are in charge.

How do you feel?



Do you have challenges with this exercise or need support in your sex life?

Write to me so that I can help you at sexcoach@playblue.ie