When was the last time that you received a sensual massage? A really good one. One this was making you melt into the moment, and you were floating in pleasure?
And when do you want your next? Create the best experience by co-operating with your partner’s nervous system and be present and connected in a massage is leading you both in a world of deep relaxation and pleasure.
Here is how:
Good preparation can save you a lot of struggles later on. The more prepared you are, the smoother the experience will be for your partner. And this is one of the pillars of relaxation.
Negotiating boundaries is a step that is often overstepped, especially if you have a long term partner, and you presume that you know what they want and what not.
When I’m working with couples, they are amazed that giving 2 minutes of their time beforehand to discuss boundaries and needs creates a good foundation for relaxation.
Like asking your partner if there is any body part that they don’t want to be touched right now? If there is anything they need or want from you this time…
If you have some ideas or plans, you can share that with them too.
I made a short video about this for you:
If you are going to use oils, it is worth having vinyl sheets or any extra protection that you want to use to protect your sheets. If your partner is sensual they want everything tidy and protected, so if they can be sure that the environment will be fine, they can relax more.
Beware of the temperature of the place so that they can feel comfortable. If you are going to use massage oil, you can warm it up beforehand as well, so that it would feel even more pleasant. If you use massage candles it is time to light them, so when you start the massage you can already feel the scent in the room, and the candle would warm up and you have the warm oil to start the massage.
Relaxing (and advertisement free) music can add a lot to the experience. Start it way before the massage, so your partner’s nervous system can have some more time to embrace and adjust. This way they can be more relaxed already when the massage starts.
Most people are worried about whether they are clean enough for their partners, and also like to feel clean and fresh before they receive a massage. It also helps to create a “new chapter” for what is coming.
The don’t start naked recommendation is optional, but hear me out before ditching the idea. I don't mean to start in any clothing. But having a sarong or a silk/soft scarf covering your partner’s back and buttocks and you wearing a sarong or scarves creates some extra layers, which creates a different, very erotic dynamic with some delicious barriers that can be removed. Also if you haven't tried yet how playfully removing a featherlight material with ease can be a marvellous sensation you were missing out. Just saying. :)
The level of relaxation is all about the nervous system. The better you can cooperate with your partner’s nervous system, the better is their ability to receive. This is why you have these steps. It is all about calming their nervous system. And also to help you to be on the same wavelength.
Co-regulation is about creating presence and connection, it is about feeling each other. The more you can feel your partner and be present in their experience the more they can just melt into the moment and open up to pleasure.
So be present with them. Try to slow down so that you can feel them.
Breathing according to their rhythm also helps a lot.
When you are giving a massage to your partner you have to feel relaxed too. If you are not relaxed, if you are not present, your partner can feel that, and they won’t be able to relax either or be present. When you find yourself being in your head and far away from feeling your partner, just bring yourself back to feel and be present. It is up to you how you can hold space for them and how your massage is going to be.
We were already talking about massage oil or massage candles. It is time to make them ready to be used at hand distance in a safe place. Oils are not condom or silicone toy friendly, so if you plan to use them later on you need a strategy for this.
If you plan to use condoms, you can use the massage oil everywhere else than at the genitals. There you can use lube instead.
If you plan to use a silicone toy later on, then you can use water based lube on the genitals.
Your other choice can be to use nuru gel for the whole massage. Nuru gel is used for body to body massages and it is water based. It is slippery and tasteless as well. Glass or metal toys can be used with oils as well.
Before you touch your partner ask them if they are ok to start the massage now.
Wait for their yes. Even if they are your regular partner this reinforcing yes is for the nervous system.
First put your (warm) palm at the center of their back or on their soles. This touch is about sending the message that “I’m here, I’m stable, I’m safe”. Keep your hand there while you inhale. Feel your partner breathing. Co-regulate. Be present.
And now you can start. Go slow. Use enough massage oil to give a smooth experience.
Some people prefer to feel the warm massage oil purred on their skin, and rubbed from there. Others prefer a touch where your hand is totally oiled and sliding smoothly this way. You can try them out, and see what your partner enjoys the most.
And go slow. The less you think, and the more you feel the better your massage is going to be.
Tease your partner, build their desire for more.
So go even slower.
Add more oil.
Leave their genitals to the end (if you agreed on involving them beforehand).
Aftercare is not only for kinky play but for any kind of experience when you find yourself in a very different emotional state. When you are deeply relaxed (and hopefully satisfied), you need some time to readjust to your “usual” state. Help your partner to have a smooth experience here too.
Maybe they are thirsty, so have some water handy. Probably a soft blanket will feel good for them. Some people like to have some chocolate ready. The more pleasant the “coming back” is, the easier it will be to relax the next time.
Click here for massage oils and candles.