Rather you have a partner who is not into erotic expansion or you are alone, you can become an even better lover. An awesome lover. A mind-blowing lover. Yes, you can.
Actually there are several advantages if you don’t have a partner to have new experiences with.
When you decide to develop a new skill or to experiment with things you want you don’t have to take care about anybody’s feelings, expectations, you are not limited by their fantasies…
Use this time of freedom to see and explore how things really affect you, where are the sweet spots, what do you need… You don’t have to focus on anybody else.
And I know that this can actually be scary to some people. If you’ve got used to being a pleaser at the beginning you can feel lost. It can almost feel like you don’t have desire on your own. But I promise you that you have. Holding a free space to explore and allow yourself to just be are the best things that can happen to you to unleash your own sexual energy and find the source of aliveness inside of yourself. Give yourself time, support and freedom. :)))
It can be challenging enough to deal with our own expectations, but when somebody else is also involved, it can all become even more difficult.
So what about allowing yourself to “just” feel and see your true response in the moment. It is ok to be slow or wanting more or less. And accept that things can change.
For example when you uplevel your pleasure ceiling it is quite probable that you go through a “grey zone”. Maybe you feel less aroused for a while or more open to subtle touches and sensations. If you judge yourself when this happens you can get stuck in a negative spiral.
But if you accept, feel this through, see what feels good to you at that moment and follow that, after a while you can experience something new. This can be intense or start smaller but as a part of your expansion.
It is not a linear process so you are going to have times with more pleasure and less pleasure.
But it all starts with you, focusing on you, accepting you, feeling you.
And how does that make you a better lover?
At this point you already are a better lover for yourself. But it doesn’t stop here. When you are going to be with somebody else, you can be more present, you will be more confident in your capabilities and erotic nature so you will also be more present with your lover.
But I won't stop here. I will give you more.
Giving yourself freedom and acceptance doesn’t mean that you can’t have desires, goals or intentions. Actually it is the best way to have them.
Intention is giving you direction, something to focus on, and this makes your mind more co-operative too. Instead of getting in the way, it can help you to get where you want to be. But instead of thinking yourself through it or about what the next thing should be, you come back to your intention and be present with your feelings. Kind of like a reminder or why you do what you do.
Do you want some inspiration?
Here you go.
Breathing more deeply into your genitals while you touch yourself, “sighing out” as you exhale.
Being more present and whenever your mind wanders around, you go back to feel and be present. Repeat every time you need. It is going to be more natural to be this way while you are in pleasure. And you will be able to take more and feel more.
Allow the power and vibration of sound to fly through you. Sound is vibration. And the deeper it is coming from you, the more is going to affect you. This is not about sounding sexy. It is about unleashing the power of sound inside of yourself. When you are alone you can really allow the sound to be guttural. Play with it.
Mapping a body part. Start with your genitals. How does it feel when you touch yourself on the left side of your clit only or the left side of the head of your penis? It is going to feel different from the right. Play with pressure, direction. And of course use lube.
Massaging your breast as a foreplay, so that you can have more oxytocin, ergo more pleasure. This is not just for women. Breast massages induce some yummy hormones in your body so that you can enjoy yourself even more. It is especially good to do it before g-spot awakening.
Edging yourself is actually not “just” for the one big, mind blowing orgasm at the end, but to keep you in an elevated state for longer. This is a really good practice if you have premature ejaculation as well, because of what I’ve just mentioned. For the nervous system high pleasure can feel like a threat. So we actually give a stress response to it. Some people escape in their head, disassociate and some have a quick orgasm to release all that tension. So it is a practice and a mind-blowing orgasm as well at the end.
Expanding your orgasm. When you are having an orgasm try to feel it longer. Breath into it. You will probably realise that you are able to go longer if you want. What if you don’t stop the stimulation all together “just” you make it lighter or continue from a bit of a distance? And see what happens.
Spreading sexual energy all over your body time to time. While you are pleasuring yourself, stop and spread that yummy feeling all over. We tend to focus on the genitals, but when you rub that concentrated energy all over you, it is going to prepare you for full body orgasms.
Try a new sex toy. Let’s see what works for you. If you usually use vibrators, now try a dildo. Maybe it is time to have some anal play with your new plaything. What about nipple vibrators?...
Wiring a body part for more sensitivity. It can be like an awakening. Give this part more attention. Go slow and smooth. Give yourself some pleasure the way you used to, and then change the focus and play with that body part. And then go back to your usual way, and repeat…
If you choose to de-armour your vagina, that is usually painful and you need some time to release all the blockage before you start to feel more sensitive. The same is true if you de-armour testicles. But at the end you feel more free and renewed.
Or “just” be with yourself and ride whatever the duck is going on. Move authentically. Do what feels good to your body. There are a million ways to enjoy your me-time.
Sometimes it helps if you have a time frame, especially if you struggle with orgasms and you feel that you are too slow. When your goal is to stay present and be with yourself for 15 minutes instead of having to do something until you come, it can be easier to enjoy yourself. No agenda, just a free space and time to play and focus on where all of this leads.
It is not for everybody, but it can be for you.
And your time frame can be short too. Like 8 minutes for example. If you are one of those who have a lot of resistance around self-pleasure, the timeframe and the freedom can be ideal.
You can stay with yourself longer after if that would feel good to you, even start a new timeframe too... You can also stop whenever you want even before your time is up, of course. Listen to yourself. :)
When you decide that it is time to stop, allow yourself to calm down. Hold yourself, breathe slowly and consciously. One hand over the genitals and one over your heart is something very soothing and it is a gentle, loving way to come back to the “real world”. Feel your surroundings. Feel the temperature. Feel yourself, here and now.
What do you need right now? Aftercare is important every time when you have an experience that is much different from your “normal” state. Being in bliss is one of these experiences too, not just when you are hurt in any way.
The relapse from the high can feel heavy. This is why taking time to ground yourself is important. So is asking yourself about what you need right now can help your nervous system to be more resilient in the future, because it is safe to land after the high. You are held and protected.
Maybe you want some water, chocolate or something warm. Maybe you want to journal about your experience as an aftercare, so it can feel more real, and you can integrate it more. Maybe you will find details that were not as clear before. And the more awareness you have about what your experience was, the further you can go the next time. And you can reach the sky. :)))