In my coaching work when I talk to people about their challenges and problems they don’t know where to start to get unstuck and feel empowered, ignited and happy again (or for the first time). But when they learn about their biggest obstacles and that there is always a way around them they can’t unsee these dynamics. It all becomes almost tangible.
And they also become very clear about having way more power over their experience than they had ever thought. It is much easier afterwards, because they know what to focus on.
But what are these thing that are keeping you trapped and ruin your sex life?
You are not present
This looks so obvious. How would you have epic, juicy sex if you are not there, still this is one of the most “popular” ways to ruin the moment.
Being present doesn’t only mean that you are there physically, but also that you are there with your awareness, curiosity and openness. Even if we are talking about self-pleasure, not just about partnered play.
Presence is a skill that you can practice. And while focus and presence is popular in meditation or work somehow when it is about your life people don’t really think that they “should” practice being present more. It is not “just” the performance factor that makes it important, but so many times we dissociate from the experience.
This can happen because of overwhelm, stress, fear, judgement…
Your nervous system also has a huge part in how you can (or can’t) be present.
When you learn to be present and feel fully, you will experience more pleasure, more connection and more fulfilment. These can’t happen without presence. And these are the juice of your sex life.
You do what you think you should do rather than what really works
Oh gosh, I see this so many times. People think they know what sex should look like, how things should feel, how and when should an orgasm happen. And they try to do that. Sometimes over and over and over again. Unfortunately this comes from the head, there is no openness and the expectations have more power than the actual feelings and needs.
It doesn’t matter how people react to things in porn, what they are into. Maybe all of your ex partners loved your kissing technique, but if it doesn’t work for your partner then you just won’t get the passion and satisfaction that you are looking for. Rather than labelling yourself or your partner broken or problematic, be curious and explore what actually works.
And you can do that. The less expectations you have and the more you are able go with what is present and ride the waves of pleasure the more you are going to have experiences that are really about you and expand what is erotically possible to you.
This is how you become a legendary lover. :)
You focus too much of orgasms rather than pleasure
When you think that sex is about the orgasms you miss the point. When orgasms are the “proof” that your encounter was “successful” you lose all the spice. There is so much more. When you don’t focus on the final orgasm there are actually more orgasms as well. More in variety, more in intensity and yes more in numbers (even if you are a man). Look for what is erotically possible, learn to ride the waves of pleasure, challenge yourself, expand your erotic potential, and orgasms won’t have power over you and your experiences. You will be the one in charge in a very different way, when you will experience freedom, aliveness and new pathways for pleasure.
You don’t learn about your sexuality and what is possible so you stay stuck
Have you ever done an arousal mapping?
What do you know your erotic self?
How do you deal with your erotic shadow?
What are your sexual superpowers?
The more you allow yourself to explore your unique, authentic erotic self, the easier it is to know how to move with ease in your sex life, and what is the thing to expand to…
Most people just accept that they can’t have more, that it is normal to lose passion and excitement . Don’t be those people, you know better. There is more for you, wherever you are right now. This is a new way of showing up in your pleasure.
You focus on what bothers you rather than what do you want more of
When something just doesn’t feel right it takes away your focus easily. And all of a sudden you lose passion and pleasure. It is harder to be present when something bothers you.
And when this happens you can choose what to do about it.
Because if you don’t choose you will lose all the power and pleasure and you will feel disappointed and frustrated instead.
So choose.
And the best thing you can choose is to focus on what you want more of.
What would make this experience even more pleasurable?
Do you want to go slower or faster?
Do you want to add some lube for more ease?
Do you want to be touched in a different way?
So stop and train your mind to search for what you want more of. And this will help you to get what you want.
When your mind “just” goes around and around and you feel frustrated, you can change the direction totally.
Of course this will require being present and feeling.
Allow the desire to arise and follow it.
Ride the waves of pleasure rather than let the disappointment ruin everything.
Having hot sex for a lifetime is possible.
But it doesn't “happen” because of luck.
It happens because of You showing up in Your power in Your sex life.
Now you know the secret. :)