3 tips to become the best lover without a partner

I meet a lot of people feeling limited in their sex lives because they don’t have a partner. And I have to add here, that I also meet a lot of people feeling limited in their sex lives because of their partners.

So I’m here to support you not to miss out on all the juicy pleasure and become more confident and satisfied while you don’t have a (supportive) partner. 

1. Create safety in yourself

There is no sexual growth without truth and presence. And allowing yourself to be fully there and go deep requires safety. Your true foundation is bound to how much you are able to feel yourself without judgement and dissociation. 

When you can’t be present with yourself, when you can’t be honest with yourself your ability to feel pleasure will decrease. This doesn’t mean that you have to make all your fantasies and desires true, but you can allow yourself to go deep into them. Hence you don’t have to share these with anybody, you are safe and free.

Feeling safe in your body is as important as feeling safe in your mind. Practise being present and mindful, so that you can focus on how things really feel, and what you would like. It is also important to realise what you don’t want. Don’t push or force yourself, “just” go with your YESses, and honour your body. This is for yourself. You can take your time. You can go slow. You can go fast. You can go light. No expectations.

It is ok to feel bored or resistant. Allow yourself to feel those too. The more you try to fight them, the further you will be from feeling good. 

Just ask yourself what would feel good in this moment. And accept the answer. 

It is ok to stop.

It is ok, to give your only 1 minute of pleasure time, if this is what you can do at the moment. 

Use this free space for your advantage and focus on that, rather than what you are missing out on without a partner. A new, juicy and lush sex life will blossom from this place.

2. Map your arousal

When I started posting here I posted a lot about arousal mapping, so if you check my initial posts you will find lots of useful posts and videos. 

This part is as true for your body than for your fantasies. 

Remember the 3 hottest sexes of your life. What was common in them?

Experiment with your toys and sensations and let your body do the talking. Don’t presume, but be open and see the reaction. Take notes, and explore.

Do you like light touches?

Or more pressure?

What about slaps?

Fingertips or nails?

What about feather ticklers?

Or pin wheels?

Scratching?

Being oiled?

…

Find out what you authentically enjoy.

When you do this alone you don’t have to act or meet anybody’s expectations. (Not even yours)

3. Nourish yourself sexually

Being able to feel your desires in the moment and mapping your arousal help to make your solo sex life juicy and satisfying. 

So many times it is not the orgasms that really bring the fulfilment. (Or maybe you need more than one O to be in paradise.) Sometimes you want deep penetration and feel full. Sometimes the touches and slowness create the satisfaction. Sometimes it is all about the right fantasies. Sometimes you “just” need the most powerful vibrator and cum strong and fast. Sometimes you need to go for something that is a taboo. And sometimes you go for transcendence (yes, you can do that solo too)...

Your routine doesn’t always give you the satisfaction you desire. So give yourself what you are actually craving for at this moment and take it fully. It will create a big difference for you and you won’t be stuck with the same old routine, but you will expand and become capable of more pleasure, more presence and more orgasms.

Fulfilment can come from surprising ways.

When you become the best lover for yourself will change how you feel in the present moment, and at the same time you become a better partner as well if you ever device to connect from this space.