3 things that can ruin your sex life

Do you want juicy, satisfying, mindblowing sex life? And do you get it? Or something is in the way? Something that you can’t necessarily put your finger on…

Let’s find your way to all the hot moments that you want. 

When I work with my clients, there is a sex detective part when we look more deeply into the things that influence their erotic life, from sexual history to their hormonal profile. So I know that there are plenty of factors that affect your experiences, but let’s talk about 3 things that are real arousal killers and You can change them. Because you have way more sexual power than you think. 

One of the main factor that it is in your way is:

Goal oriented sex

The more you have an agenda or expectation for your experience the more you are losing out on the real potential. It is hard to be attuned to pleasure and feeling your partner when you have to work on a goal. Because this creates pressure. Because this is going to put you in your headspace and your mind is going to try to find the work for the achievement. 

You are not in your body. You don’t follow the natural, authentic flow of the body.

We live in a hustle culture in our everyday life, but our sex life “works” differently than business. It is not the “more effort you put in, the more time you spend there, the harder you push, the better it gets”. Actually plenty of time it is the opposite.

Focus now a little bit about your peak erotic experiences.

What was the environment?
How did you feel?
How present could you be?

I'm pretty sure that these were not goal oriented experiences. That you were not just in your head. That you allowed yourself to feel instead of trying to focus on achieving a goal.

Sometimes all you need is to realise that you are focusing on an achievement in order to allow yourself to stop and switch focus. Breath. Allow yourself to feel. Start with the temperature or a sensation. Breath again. Allow yourself to connect to what you really enjoy. What would feel even better? And act from this place.
And you very probably have to repeat this several times. But it is really worth it. It will transform your sex life.

Liberate yourself from the restriction of the tight grip of achievement, and enjoy the whole journey.

You don't know your map of arousal well enough

Talking about our sex life is one of the most vulnerable thing that we can do. Especially if we don’t create a safe place where we are free to really be ourselves or where our partner can express what is present for them without judgement. The more parts you close off, the less arousal you feel.

As a sex coach I experience regularly that what people think they like in bed and what really works for them in bed is not necessarily the same thing. There is a lot that you don’t know unless it is tested. 

You can have your sexual fulfilment only if you get what is fulfilling. This sounds obvious but it is not. When you know your (and your partner’s) arousal map and your authentic needs and desires you will know what to do in order to be satisfied. 

Assumptions and crossing boundaries

It happens quite often with couples. They assume what they can do and what not. They are crossing boundaries (of their own or/and their partners) without even realizing it. It is easy to assume consent or forget about the consent conversation. We expect to know our partner's feelings, what they like in bed, and how they like it…

But this can differ from one day to the other (or sometimes from one moment to the other). I’m not talking about about a totally different erotic persona showing up, but for example if you or your partner want to be touched or hugged at all.

Maybe you were talking about having a hot date night, but something happened at work. Maybe your partner’s breath doesn’t feel good, but you don’t want to mention it and they don’t even know about it.
Maybe the shirt you are wearing brings up bad memories and this changes how your partner feels.

Maybe you bumped into a door and your hand is sore, you just haven't told it to your partner and what usually feels good is too much at that time.

You would be surprised how liberating it is in a relationship when you ask your partner what they want or what they don’t want at the moment. Feeling seen and acknowledged calms the nervous system and pleasure can arise.

Back to blog