Yes, your sex life can be better and even blissfully orgasmic. But your sex life can also be worse, it can be flat, or even repelling. And this is not about pure luck, and your sex life doesn’t need to decline with age. I know a woman who became multi-orgasmic over 60, after living in a sexless marriage for 15 years. I know a man who learned to separate ejaculation and orgasms and is enjoying hours and hours of super satisfying sex after 50… it is all about what you are willing to put into your sex life and how you show up.
And this is as true for singles than for people in relationships as well.
So let’s see your 3 biggest enemies that ruin your sex life.
Focusing on performance and expectations too much
What you are focusing on will drive your sex life. If you are focusing on what is not present or what is not good enough or how you (or your partner) are not fast/slow/excited enough the last thing you will feel is pleasure.
When you allow your mind to navigate everything instead of feeling into your body and allow yourself to be in a flow everything starts to feel like work rather than ease and pleasure.
Your mind loves to have an agenda and knowing what is going to come next and after that, and after that, but pleasure most of the time doesn’t work like this. There is no problem when things go “as planned”, but when something is just not as your minds expect it to be, all of a sudden you fall off the wagon and you are losing out on ease, pleasure and orgasms.
Coming back to the here and now is a skill to develop. Accepting “what you feel and where you are” when things are not as “expected” requires honesty, courage and resilience. This can be scary, especially when you are facing challenges, at the same time cultivating these will build you up for more pleasure and orgasms. Learn to focus on the yesses, be open to change, be curious and your sex life becomes juicier and you are confident in yourself.
Sex shouldn’t be a performance. Being real and vulnerable will unshackle forces in you that you haven’t been aware of beforehand. However your sex life is right now, you have more potential than you can imagine.
You don’t challenge yourself, so there is no erotic expansion
We expect ourselves (and/or our partners) to be an extraordinary love, to just know what to do, how to do, when to do in order to have the best sex ever. When this is not happening you can feel inadequate and broken. While you are not.
Learning about sex is crucial and it is the base of everything you do. Choose your sex education wisely and don’t stop, look further and experiment. Just like you don’t expect yourself to be a MasterChef without learning about ingredients, being inspired, trying different recipes and ideas, taking risks… It works very similarly with your sex life as well.
Challenge yourself, learn more about the body (there is so much new information), search for inspiration, develop skills, look for answers, experiment…and you will be rewarded with different ways of pleasure, a variety of orgasms, the ability to be in an erotic flow, having amazing sexual skills… Being curious works for you. And there are so many different directions to go.
Do you want to become more sensual?
Want to be able to receive more?
Struggling to be present when you are raptured?
Do you want to experience different kinds of orgasm?
Want to wire a body part for more pleasure?
Working on better communication?
Want to explore power dynamics?
What about mastering sex for 1? …
Your sex life is a very living part of yourself. You nourish it, and it will flourish.
You don’t create a safe space for communication and erotic expression
Your sex life needs awareness and light to become blissful. The more you have to hide, the heavier you are going to feel. A part of yourself is going to shut down. This is why it is so important to have a safe space where you can talk about your sex life without judgement.
And I know this sounds very idyllic, but in real life it is very challenging to create a safe space like this. If you are alone, maybe you try to not deal with your sexual desires or frustrations. In a relationship it is also very hard to be vulnerable and transparent.
First and foremost you can do this work alone as well. You can read books, learn from courses, and if you find the right people you can even have coaches, therapists, mentors…
Without a safe space you will mostly “role-play” your sex life and you won't feel fulfilled. The juice and the aliveness comes from an inner liberation.
Does this mean that you need to live all of your desires now that you are aware of them? No, it doesn’t. Listening in and accepting parts of yourself (even shameful ones) doesn’t mean that you are losing control. It means that you are going to have a true connection with it, and you can consciously choose. Which is deep work.
But even “just” being able to laugh at yourself when something doesn’t go smoothly is a safe space. Maybe you do it alone, maybe you have a good friend to share your doubts with or who you can brag about all the yummy stuff too.
I can only encourage you to create safe spaces so that you can feel the acceptance, being seen and heard in your most authentic expressions.