Listen, we all know that Valentine’s Day is a pile of crap, right? Especially if you’re single. You can spend the rest of the year totally happy in your solo state but when Valentine’s Day rolls around suddenly people are acting like you being independent is a bad thing. Miss us with that sympathy Susan: February 14th is just another day.
Sure, if you’re tied down in a relationship getting a tacky teddy bear with the words ‘I love you beary much’ embroidered on it’s belly may be the highlight of your week, but for the rest of us Valentine’s is just a limp noodle of a holiday. Restaurants are packed with couples, Instagram is a minefield of heart emojis and you don’t even get a day off work. Lame.
So singletons, while your coupled up friends are forced to endure mediocre missionary with their boring-ass other halves this Valentine’s Day why not celebrate your liberty by getting the ride? And by that we mean, with yourself. These days with the number of high-quality sex toys out there you don’t need no man (or woman) to give you the ride you crave. Here are our Valentine’s Day recommendations for toys for the single rider - and if something changes they can be enjoyed with a beau too!
For the ladies: The ultimate in sex toys for women is always going to be something that stimulates both the clitoris and the g-spot. There’s such a variety out there of toys like this, but rabbits are the classic - they come in all kinds of sensations and pretty much guarantee a good time, every time. If you love the sensation of a glass dildo, how about combining the two and trying a glass rabbit? It has ten functions and is suitable for temperature play just like any normal glass dildo - pretty innovative and pretty satisfying! Finally, if you’re really looking to splurge, a massaging wand like this one can be used for insertion or externally.It’s flexibility means that anywhere you want it to go, it will with gusto.
For the gents: Sex toys for men are not as utilised as they should be. The gay community has long embraced all kinds methods of spicing up their sex life, but for straight men buying a toy to use on themselves can sometimes be a little scary. For an affordable intro to the world of male sex toys how about something like a Tenga egg? These innovative little masturbators are available in different textures and stretch to fit any kind of penis - they’re great value for money. If you’d like something with more impact the Fleshlight Stamina Training Unit is a classic and a best-seller for a reason. Finally, if you’re looking something slightly more adventurous, Fun Factory’s Bootie Ring is designed to stimulate your cock, perineum and anus all at once. It’s possibly the ultimate in multi-zone orgasms for men and not too intimidating for newbies either.
For both: The variety of dildos available is truly mind-blowing. No matter what you’re looking for there is guaranteed to be a product that fits your requirements in terms of colour, texture and realism. If you’re looking for something realistic - the Realrock Realistic 9 Inch Dong with Balls is a great bet - especially if you like ‘em big. However, if you’d like something slightly less…veiny, the Fun Factory Shake Bouncer is something special. With weighted balls (not that kind) built in to the curves of the dildo the Bouncer reacts to your every movement - and is perfect for stimulating the G-spot or the prostate. Finally, if you’re really chasing the Valentine’s ride, how about The Bigger Bang Thrusting & Rotating Sex Machine ? It’s a literal sex machine -how nice to have someone else do the work for a change?!
So, Happy Valentine’s Day singletons - here’s to life, liberty and masturbation. And don’t forget, no box of Valentines chocolate is sweeter than a good orgasm!