BDSM what...?
I know, I know, this conjures up images of shackles, whips, dark rooms with people covered in masks, wearing tight fitting PVC and you are not necessarily wrong. BDSM can involve some of these, all of these or none of these.
While still seen as taboo it is has come more into the public eye with books like 50 Shades of Grey gracing many a bookshelf but what do we actually know about the world of BDSM?
FIRST AND FOREMOST!
There is NOTHING wrong or damaged with people who engage in or are curious about BDSM. This is an important fact that needs to shouted from the rooftops. Like engaging in any sexual activity, it is a healthy, open way to be intimate with your partner and like any activity it is important to be educated and fully informed.
So here we go!
A QUICK GLOSSARY!
BDSM seems to be an odd jumble of letters but what to they stand for?
Bondage and Discipline (BD): Bondage is being tied, bound or restrained for erotic stimulation. While Discipline is the previously agreed upon punishment that is given to a submissive partner by the dominant partner perhaps for the breaking of a rule or order.
Dominance and Submission (DS): This is where in an erotic set of circumstances one person is submissive to a dominant partner and follows rules/boundaries/orders that are set out by the dominant partner.
Sadism and Masochism (SM): Sadism is receiving pleasure from inflicting pain and/or humiliation on another person. Masochism is receiving pleasure from receiving pain and /or humiliation from another person.
A Scene: Is the name of the encounter between two partners.
Dominant: The partner that implements the rules/orders in the scene. They also give the punishments and secure the bondage. They are also known as Top
Submissive: The partner that follows the rules/orders in the scene. They also receive the punishments and are the partner that is tied up. They are also known as the Bottom.
Sadist: Person who enjoys inflicting pain/humiliation.
Masochist: Person who enjoys receiving pain/humiliation.
It is important to keep in mind that being a Dominant does not mean you are a Sadist nor does being a Submissive make you a Masochist. You can be one or both.
You don’t have to engage in everything. Being involved in BDSM does not have to include pain or bondage. It does not even have to include intercourse. It is about experiencing different sensations in a safe manner.
GETTING STARTED
DO NOT LEARN ABOUT BDSM FROM 50 SHADES OF GREY!!
While they may be titillating , these books are FICTION and they are unrealistic.
Make sure you do your research. Start online, look at reputable websites, forums and blogs. Check out the comments section and don’t be afraid to ask questions. See if there are any groups in your area or any that you can get in contact with. Ask for advice and listen to suggestions for where to go and how to go about educating yourself.
You should always start small and simple and work your way up to using trickier tools and more complex scenes.. You might discover that you are completely fulfilled with fuzzy handcuffs and a light spanking. Perfect! Or you might discover that you want to try heavier equipment and more complex scenes. Also. perfect! Just make sure you have educated yourself enough on how to use everything in a safe manner for both you and your partner. Seriously! This hobby/lifestyle does involve dedication, reading, communication and full understanding of anything that is used.
SAFETY AWARE AND COMMUNICATION
Consent and safety are two of the most important things that should be adhered to when it comes to any sexual activity.
Always protect yourself. Don’t engage in any activity with someone you don’t know and don’t engage in any activity with someone you don’t trust to respect your safe words and boundaries.
Considering that within BDSM, scenes can have dark themes and elements of danger it is vital that everyone understands boundaries and limitations.
The best way to ensure that everyone is comfortable and happy with what shall happen within the scenes, having an open conversation with your partner is most important. Telling them what you would like to happen, how you would like it to happen can lead to a fulfilling experience. On the other hand telling them how far you want to go, what you are uncomfortable with and what your limits and boundaries are means that the scenes shall be safe and secure. These can be seen as contracts and a set of rules that partners do not step outside of.
This is where the idea of the safeword comes in to play. A safeword is your or your partners signal to cease all activity at once for any reason. Once it has been said the scene stops. The word will have already been agreed upon by all partners before the scene starts.
Using “no” or “stop” may not work because these words could be part of the scene so you should pick a word that has nothing to do with the scene at hand eg: flowerpot.
Another option is the traffic light system. Green means “I am having a great time, keep going.” Orange means “I am unsure about this I want to talk about it.” Red means “stop everything immediately.”
Sometimes speech may not be possible if you are using gags or masks, in that case a physical signal will be used and it is important to make sure that you will have the freedom of movement to make the signal. While the safeword/signal is vitally important for the submissive who is the recipient of whatever activities are involved the safeword is also their for the dominant partner. It isn’t just about physical discomfort but also mental and emotional as well.
AFTERCARE
This is the attention that you and your partner give to to each other after the scene has ended.
While aftercare is different for everyone because everyone has different experiences, it basically comes down to checking in with each other and making sure that everybody is alright after the encounter.
Also some submissives might need tending to if any wounds happen throughout the course of the scene.So having a first aid
kit close to hand for this eventuality is a good idea.
Like the discussion before the scene takes place and the scene itself the aftercare should involve both partners and again, communication is the key. Say what worked for you, what didn’t, how you would improve or change the scene for next time. Also say how it made you feel - sated, sexy, vulnerable.
Take time to be affectionate and cuddle with each other. After the rush of endorphins and adrenaline has started to wear off people can experience a slump and after an intense scene it will be good and healthy to be emotionally there for one another.
GREAT BDSM BEGINNERS TOYS
As we have said there are no right or wrong way to experiment with BDSM as long as everyone is safe but given just how many options are out there we here at PlayBlue have narrowed it down to some of our favourites.
Spanking
When people think about BDSM they immediately think of spanking. A fun flirtatious way to introduce pain to your pleasure. A broad surface padded paddle still can have a wonderful smack but the large surface area takes some of the sting out of it. Floggers are multi strips of material held together on a handle. Used gently it can cause a wonderful tickling sensation before you add in a little energy and it turns to spanking fun.
A great paddle available at PlayBlue is from the Bound Premium range Bound Nubuck Leather Paddle
Blindfolds
This is one of the safest ways to begin your exploration of BDSM. The loss of one sense cause your other senses to heighten and the softest of tickles becomes the most erotic of caresses.
There are loads of options but a simple and effective blindfold is the Sex & Mischief Satin Blindfold
Restraints
Along with spanking this is probably what is most associated with BDSM. You can tie wrists, ankles, wrists to ankles, anyway you want. You have many options cuffs, rope, tape, scarves. One of the simplest ways to start experiencing the dominant/submissive relationship.
You can spend a fortune or pennies and it really is a matter of taste and texture. We love the simple but really good Beginners Soft Cuffs from Loving Joy
Gags
Another great way to investigate the submissive aspect of BDSM without experiencing pain. As a beginner buy a gag with a small ball that has small holes in it to allow you to breathe easier or even a bit gag so your jaw won’t get too tired or sore and have a quick release strap so that if it needs to be removed in a hurry, no problem!
Huge range again from Spider Gags to hook Gags but fora really simple effective comfortable gag the Ouch Silicone Ball Gag is great.
Nipple Clamps
These do exactly as they say on the tin! It is a clamp that goes on your nipple! When you are a beginner it is best to start with adjustable clamps. They can start loose and you can tighten them the more you get used to them. A wonderful way to start experiencing pleasure through pain.
For a first timer go with an adjustable one as you know you'll be able to handle it like the Adjustable Black Nipple Clamps from Ouch
Wharburton Wheel
Another great introduction to experiencing different sensations. These can look and feel very intense but if you start with a plastic one with just one wheel you can work your way up to the more heavy duty spikes.
You need a little quality here and it doesn't have to cost the earth either. You can get even 10 Wheel versions but this Single Stainless Steel Wheel from Triune is fantastic.
So folks, there you have it!
An introduction to the wild and wonderful world of BDSM. What we have here are the very basics, we've only scratched the service. If we've peeked your interest checkout the full range on PlayBlue Bondage.
The world of BDSM can really be so much more, just remember enjoy and be safe out there!