The sexcoach answers: He takes ages to cum. How can I help him?

I know, I know… So many men are suffering from premature ejaculation and want to delay their orgasms. I feel for them. But I have to add, I am surprised how many men find it challenging to cum at all or cum faster.

It is like losing the wave of pleasure over and over again and create frustration especially if the sex doesn’t end with ejaculation for them. 

The problem is not taking long to cum. The problem is when the expectation to cum and what happens don’t match. And I have to add here that sometimes who finds this problematic is not the man who is “slow” to cum, but their partner. They just want the whole thing to be over and it all takes longer than what is ideal to them.

When you start to listen you will find that the traditional gender based stereotypes of sexuality don’t actually fit well to the whole situation for everybody. Like here, where the “roles” are reversed. He is slow, she wants him to be faster.
For a while I was considering writing this post in general and not as a penis related challenge, hence this is about how to handle this situation differently and tips can help anyone regardless of their sex. But since I got the question this way, I will answer the exact question without changing it.

There is a lot that you can do when your partner struggles to cum faster. I have plenty of tips, and you don’t have to try everything, stick to those that you feel called to play with them and see what happens. Some are more practical, some are more emotional (because emotions have a big impact here from both sides).

The person I talk to is the one that wants their partner to finish faster, and when I say partner I am talking about the penis owner who struggles to have an orgasm as fast as he and/or his partner would want.

Accept the situation as it is

I know, this is radical and seems totally insane. If you accept the situation it will never change, right? Except this is one of the best ways to change it.
Give your partner permission to be and go as slow as it feels natural to them and don’t expect them to perform according to the clock.

Yes, this requires patience and being able to hold space for your partner no matter what. 

This requires you to be in your centre, not attach any expectation, timing or agenda to the situation. When you can be calm and you are not in a hurry, when you are able to focus on what feels good for you, the whole dynamic changes. There is an opening and a release, and your partner will find it easier to focus on the pleasure rather than being in their heads and trying to rush themselves. The way you can be present will change how your partner feels. You can clear some of the tension, frustration and anxiety that is in the way.

This doesn’t mean that you have to disregard your feelings. If you can find pleasure in what you are doing with your partner then stop what you are doing and see where the pleasure is. What would feel good for you? If you find this challenging learn more about yourself too not “just” about your partner’s sexual needs.

Sex is supposed to be about connection and both of you having space to explore and enjoy. Performance anxiety doesn’t help to overcome an orgasm challenge. The more you can let go of the “how things should be” and allow you to play with the situation and explore, the easier it is to uplevel your sexlife. You can uplevel it anytime regardless of your age, shape or how long you are together. I want you to know that you don’t need to be stuck and there are several ways to have the juicy satisfaction that you want. :)

Map their arousal

If you know how to create an arousal map and find out what your and your partner’s Erotic Blueprint is, the easier it is to consciously create the environment and dynamic that is working for the both of you. (I have several blog posts about this here.)

Maybe you find out that your partner loves teasing and the anticipation; or very light hovering touches are the ones making him lose control (Energetic Erotic Blueprint). 

Maybe crating a clean, undisturbed and beautiful environment is a must for them; or they are actually super romantic inside and they need connection and more foreplay (Sensual Erotic Blueprint), yes there are men needing intimacy and romance, and plenty of times they are not even aware of this.

Maybe you should tell them that they are not allowed to cum today, it is all for your pleasure only, and see how they react; or maybe they need a bit of pain to allow themselves the pleasure (Kinky Erotic Blueprint).

Maybe your partner needs variety, a combination of all of these above (Shapeshifter Erotic Blueprint).

Of course there are so many other options, I just mentioned a few. The more you are aware of how your arousal works, what is really satisfying and fulfilling and what your needs are, the easier it is to confidently go for more and more pleasure.

Masturbating the right way

Masturbation is not a problem on its own. Actually self-pleasure is super important to learn about ourselves, to build better skills. But if your partner just watches porn and masturbates only to that, they are teaching themselves not to really feel the body “just” giving the mind some candy. This way they dissociate from the body and how they actually feel. It is a really pleasurable way to release tension but ruins the all-over sexual performance. 

Encourage them to self-pleasure from time to time. Fleshlights can be amazing here, because they give an extra sensation, and they can focus on the feeling rather than being in their heads.

Changing the body position is also helpful when they want to change patterns and focus more on the body and feelings. 

They don't need to ditch porn all together they can practice to focus back on their body time to time, add toys, being playful, changing the place and the position... Add some change to make it different.

Switching to receiving mode

Some men find it difficult to be in a receiving mode. They are pleasers and got used to focusing on their partners rather than on themselves and what feels good to them. When they are in the centre of attention they switch off, and go to their heads as a defence mechanism.

This requires patience and practice. Start in small doses when they are the receivers of pleasure as practice when they are allowed to feel or even be numb. This is not torture. You are building a new way to be intimate while they are in their bodies.
You will find that your partner (and probably you too) has a lot of resistance against this. It just doesn’t make sense. But this is building a skill for receiving. You practise how to give space to your partner, you co-regulate your nervous systems, and they practice intimacy in receiving and feeling. 

Staying focused

So much of what we do here is about dealing with the nervous system. Some nervous systems find it challenging to calm down and focus on feeling after a busy day full of tasks and lots of things happening at the same time. Some movement and some music helps, such as having a hot bath or shower together. Even just a warm hug can be nourishing. If any of you can be calm and focus that usually helps the other person to feel more open and be more focused on what is going on.

When your partner’s attention is all over the place breathing slowly helps, especially if the exhale is longer and through the mouth. They can learn how to be resilient and just come back to feeling. It is normal that the attention wavers, they can learn that this is ok and just come back to feeling.

When the attention wavers and they realise that they are in their heads they can decide to focus on the body. What about the temperature? How does their skin feel? Where is the pleasure in this situation? What would feel even more pleasurable?

Stay there as long as they can, and come back to feeling again when they realise they are dissociating. It is a training that is worth doing.

Blindfold them

This tip is on the practical side. Blindfolding usually helps to be more in the body and with the feelings and less in the head. So it is easier to focus on pleasure.

Give more stimulation

I have to warn you here, that this tip is not for the majority of people. It sounds logical that if they struggle with pleasure, you should just go for something more intense. The truth is, that this works only for a few people. Sensitive people usually struggle more to reach orgasm, and overstimulation can cause losing the orgasmic arc.
So experiment what works best going faster, deeper and more intense or the other way around.

Give less stimulation

Surprise, surprise going slower, giving less stimulation makes it easier to actually feel into what is happening and what would feel good. Try to allow yourself to slow down, breathe deeper including just being together. It feels amazing when a penis is inside you and both can “just” enjoy the sensation of being whole together and feel the smallest twitches. You will never know if you don’t try.  

So slow down and go lighter and see where it leads. 

Work through the emotional blocks

This is a huge topic on its own. In my work I have experienced a lot of how much emotions affect a penis. Resentment, expectations, beliefs about how a man should perform in bed are huge factors as well as previous trauma.
The work that focuses on sexual goals and breakthrough can cretae a totally new playground where deep connection and juicy satisfaction becomes available again.

You have quite a lot to try here, and I hope you will succeed and have mind blowing experiences together. 

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