Practical tips to start to negotiate kinks for beginners

Maybe you are the one who wants to play and have kinky desires.
And you feel intimidated to talk about what you want. 

Maybe you don’t even know what you want, because you haven’t experienced it yet.

You have the drive, maybe you even have the direction, but how to move forward from this place, and especially how to share your play and desires with your partner?

Maybe you have some willingness to experiment with kinks, but you don’t know what to do, how to start and especially how to be safe when you play.

Maybe your partner knows exactly what he/she/they wants, but you “just” don’t feel like you can satisfy these desires. It just doesn’t feel like you.

Or maybe both of you want to play kinky, you just need clarity about the common ground.

And I want you to support you so that you can negotiate further. And however the way you communicate about this is super important, I wanted to give you practical tips to explore the possibilities. Especially because negotiating kinks is essential. And it is very different from how it is done in 50 shades of grey. 

Create a "container"

We, sex coaches use “containers” a lot. A container is a framework created from all the needs, boundaries, limitations, expectations, desires and experiences. The more clarity, the better. A container can make the difference for lots of people. When you have all the foundational information you can create the “playground” for you. Instead of guessing what is ok and what is not ok, you know what can happen and what is expected. So you can be confident and creative within the agreements of the container, and present. (Of course you still need to check in with your partner from time to time, but you will worry less.)

Have a safeword

This is the number one thing that you hear about and still you would be surprised how many people think this is not important. Having a safeword is essential. In a kinky play struggle and frustration can be highly arousing so being able to resist and say no doesn’t necessarily mean that you or your partner want to stop the play. It can look like there is no consent, but there is consent “just” the real no is your safeword, instead of no or stop it or resistance. The safeword means Stop the play/session immediately.

So use a safeword that is easy to remember and respect it 100%. The most “popular” safeword is RED, but of course it is up to you what you want to use.

YELLOW usually means: Slow down, pity. You use it when you feel like you are on the edge and close to shutting down.

GREEN is usually: More please.

You also need a “safesign” for cases when you can’t be verbal, maybe because of a ball gag, or other reasons.

Don’t hesitate to use your safe word when you feel like it all starts to be too much for you. Taking care of yourself is a must.

Define the length of session (including leaving enough time for aftercare)

This is also part of the container defining the practical timeframe. When the session will start, when the session will end. You can always make the session shorter, if you feel you can’t be in the play longer. But don’t make it longer. When you play and you have all the hormones and chemicals flowing you don’t necessarily feel when you have had enough and you do more than what your body or soul can handle.

Medical conditions, allergies, past abuse, triggers

I know this doesn’t sound sexy. But you know what isn’t sexy? Being injured, traumatised or retraumatized… so clear the air to avoid risks.


Don’t skip aftercare. And it is a red flag if your partner says they don’t need it. After every intense experience the nervous system needs support to anchor and feel safe. Avoiding aftercare deprives this essential support from the nervous system.

Aftercare can be cuddling, having a nap, water, sugar, blanket, ice pack, chocolate, a massage, breathing or meditating together or having some space “just” for yourself…

It is ok not to know what you will need exactly, especially if you are a beginner. Then prepare some of these things (or anything that can mean comfort for you), and see how you will feel about them.

Discuss the list of activities


You can find plenty of bdsm check lists on the internet that you can go through.
These lists contain the activities in play, and you have to decide if you have a Yes, No or a Maybe to them. Also a place for notes.

But the list itself is not enough, you have to talk about what the activity means to you. Because what you think of as (for example) breath play is not necessarily what your partner thinks it is. Or what do you mean by deep throating, what intensity or extent is in your mind…

Go through the list time to time because it is going to change with time and experience.

These are really the basics, so don’t skip any of these points, and this will allow the intensity and play that you are craving for.

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