It is a terrible feeling to shut down during sex. You feel broken, you don’t understand why this is happening to you. I have been there too at the beginning of my orgasm journey. I struggled with orgasms. I felt aroused, and then all of sudden I just lost track of the pleasure wave and shut down. I felt like falling back and I had to “build” my arousal from almost zero again and again. My shutdown periods were not long, but they happened quite frequently. I felt that something was deeply wrong with me, and I don’t even know how to feel right. Actually this is the reason I’ve started to learn about pleasure, sex and orgasms. Today I’m super orgasmic and I can “light up” superfast and with ease. Most of it coming from my “reconditioning”. And now let’s see what can YOU do, when you are shot down or lose pleasure and orgasms seem to be elusive.
Here are the 3 main reasons why you are shutting down, and my suggestions about how to create a new, juicy sex life for you no matter where you are right now.
I see this very often with my clients. They consider themselves numb or not sensitive enough, while they are actually very, very sensitive and easily overstimulated and overwhelmed. You can find that vibrators don’t work well for you, and you think that you need something more powerful or that you need to be “fixed”.
What you need to do is actually doing less. You need less stimulation, you need slower strokes, you need less pressure, you need to feel free and safe. And all of a sudden you start to feel again, and it is delicious and spacious. Finally. Breath.
My specialty in my coaching is to work with those who are struggling with staying turned on and aroused. The usual approach of “healing” this is to sensitize them more. Which actually makes it even harder to feel safe and open to pleasure. Hence you are overly sensitive, pleasure becomes stress and anxiety.
So ask yourself, what do you need to feel safe and open? And try to do less. Breath deeper. Ground yourself.
When you lose contact and feelings or feel overwhelmed allow yourself to come back to the present moment, and look for stability. Feel how the bed is holding you. Colors in your environment. Almost like resetting yourself. And exhale, inhale. Breath even slower and deeper.
One of the best ways is to “practice” alone, when you are masturbating. When you find yourself to feel numb, allow yourself this feeling without judging yourself. You can teach yourself that it is ok to feel anything and that you can always reconnect. This is very soothing, and with time you are creating a stronger connection with pleasure.
Your nervous system is able to create new pathways. You are able to change your reaction. It requires consistent work, but you can do it.
What you think about your erotic possibilities is going to define most of your sexual experiences. If you think that you are just not passionate enough it is just harder to feel turned on and juicy.
Have you ever seen a demo of energetic orgasms, when somebody is not even touched, and they are still having full body orgasms? What happens after is always blowing my mind. People start to have energetic orgasms. It is almost like opening the gate for something. When people realize that something is possible, they start to go for it.
It is the same as what you see in sports. Records are broken by people who know that there is more for them. The more you believe that something is not available for you, the harder it is to get it.
Most people think that with time they erotic potential is going to diminish. I personally know a bunch of people who have started to bloom sexually in their 60’s.
Redefining who you are erotically will unleash suppressed forces in your sex life. So start by mapping your arousal and your needs. You can also have sexual goals just like in any other area in your life. You have more erotic potential and power than you think.
One part of this challenge is related to sensitivity issues from point 1. You escape from feeling overwhelmed (yes, pleasure can be overwhelming too) by being in your head. Because that is familiar, even if those thoughts are totally out of the erotic context. Actually the less erotic, the better, because the safer it is.
And even if you are not super sensitive, usually you escape from feelings and sensations when you don’t feel safe. For you context is everything. You have to know that there is enough time for you to relax. You want to be sure, that you won’t be disturbed, that the outside world is going to be ok when you “come back to normal”.
So the more relaxing, clean and welcoming your environment is, the more you can let go. Probably you will find that blindfolds can help you to focus more on what you feel, and you are more present.
When you find yourself “checking out” of arousal and pleasure, just bring yourself back to the present moment and feel. Feel the temperature, your movements…
Check out my video about how to enhance pleasure in any moment:
I know that I haven’t talked about your partners, their presence, their expectations and contribution. The reason is that it all starts with you and your relationship to pleasure. I’m not saying that your partners don’t matter at all, of course they do. But when you can find your inner source of pleasure your experience is going to change as well and you are going to relate and behave differently.
Do you have a question? Write to me at the firstname.lastname@example.org.