Sexiquette: Threesomes 101
Some people say that three is a crowd, others say that three is a magic number - but one thing that everyone agrees on is that threesomes need to be handled the right way.
I have certain friends who deal with threesomes with the kind of casual nonchalance most people could only dream of but most couples I know consider it riskier than swimming naked in a pool full of snapping turtles. They’re not alone either. According to a study in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour most millennials are interested in the idea of having a threesome but most aren’t actually doing it for fear of the repercussions.
Personally, I think life is too short not to try the things you want - as long as you’re considerate, respectful and communicative there’s no reason your potential threesome should be anything but a good time. If you fancy breaking the trend and actually living out your ménage á trois fantasy read on for our tips!
- Picking the right person: With most things in life, you want to start off on the right foot and picking the right partner(s) for your threesome is no exception. Do you use a friend? A stranger? Or maybe a professional? This is something you’ll have to decide pretty early on. If you’d like a stranger, bars or online is always a good bet. Just don’t be a creep!
- For couples: It’s a good idea to approach this whole process as though it’s a team activity - you need to make sure that both partners are actually comfortable with what and who you’re about to do. Honestly, you can’t talk through it too much. It might seem like a bit of a boner-killer, but doing the emotional graft now could save a lot of hurt feelings after the fact. For example, if you think it would hurt you to see your partner to be penetrated by someone else, now is the time to say it - NOT MID-THRUST. Use planning the event as a bonding activity!
- Before the threesome: It’s a good idea for all three of you to meet in a neutral location to talk through things together (and also to check that they’re not an axe murderer). When you meet you should discuss your motivations, boundaries and likes/dislikes clearly and check in on the other’s too. This is also a good chance to check in and make sure that there’s attraction and chemistry between all of you. If one of the three of you isn’t into an aspect of what the others are proposing (or indeed those who are doing the proposing) it’s okay for them to walk away. Nobody should feel coerced or guilted by the other participants (or their partner) to do something they don’t want to do. Your threesome can only be better if all the participants are comfortable with each other and excited to get into it!
- On the night: some people prefer to go somewhere neutral, like a hotel for this kind of thing, but others don’t care if it’s in their own bed. It’s up to you to decide what’s right for you. Wherever you go, bring more condoms than you think you’ll need - it’s a good idea for the condom wearer to change it each time he penetrates a different person. If you’re not into using condoms, making sure the participants have had recent STD tests can’t hurt anyone. Also, if you’re super nervous, it’s okay to have a drink beforehand but don’t get wasted - it’s not going to improve the quality of the experience for you OR for your partners.
- During the actual sex: Firstly don’t go in with the expectation that it’s going to be exactly like your favourite MFF porn - it won’t be. But, it might be better! The urge to lay back and be the central focus of the other two is understandable but if you get lazy they’ll probably just go on without you. If you do want this experience though - you could negotiate a couple of different encounters within the night where each of you get to be the central focus. Another thing to note is that sometimes one partner can get left out by the others unintentionally. If you’re in a couple the urge might be to focus on your significant other rather than the third, or maybe even the novelty of having a new person around will sway you in the other direction - this is a no-no. I hope you’re good at multi-tasking because you’re going to have to do a lot of it. God gave us two hands and a mouth for a reason - and I’m no theologian but I can only assume that that reason was threesomes.
- Consent! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: during sex, make sure you’re polite, respectful and don’t push boundaries (unless previously agreed). A good rule for sex in general is to remember that everyone involved is a person and not just a sex partner. When it comes to threesomes in particular a way to keep things comfortable for everyone is to move at the pace of the slowest/most reticent partner - that way everyone can avoid leaving someone behind or moving too fast.
- Afterwards: All kinds of weird emotions can crop up during a threesome and it’s worth verbally processing it. If you’re in a couple it’s especially important to take the time to reconnect afterwards and see where you stand. Make sure to check in with the third too -don’t be the person throwing them out the door as soon as you’ve all cum! You’ve all shared this intimate experience together - the least you can do is be hospitable and take the time to make sure that they’re okay. Plus, a positive experience for all of you means that it’s more likely to happen again!