Most of the time there is a big difference between what people think works for them in bed, and what really does. At least in the areas where they haven’t done much real exploration.
Talking dirty is definitely this area. Some people don't want to think about it, some learn it from porn, but most of the time they don’t know the real magic words making their knees tremble, their heart pumping faster and feel the rush of blood inside.
When I ask my clients about their turn on words, the usual answer is: “Just nothing in particular, really”. But when we test them, and they give themselves the freedom to listen, feel and react, it is like the choir of angels starting to sing.
Knowing the “right” words is like having the remote controller for your partner's arousal. And you will know the right words by testing them first. Not necessarily while you are having sex, but any time when you have the privacy and mood to experiment a little about aural sex.
And just before you learn about the hot and erotic vocabulary, you have something else to explore. The turn off words. Knowing what mood killers are is as useful and valuable as knowing the arousing ones.
Doesn’t it feel good to know exactly what to say to get the best results?
Yes, but how do you do that?
You can ask them from your partner, and probably can tell you some of the words or expressions, but most probably, you won’t get enough from them just by asking. (Because they don’t really know it that well either.) It really needs time, options and testing.
The way I do this with my clients as an Erotic Blueprint Coach is having a long list of words or expressions to test. The list contains options related to all the Erotic Blueprints.
The Erotic Blueprints are Energetic, Sensual, Sexual, Kinky and Shapeshifter.
And hence both blueprints are “ignited” differently, the words, tone and context means a lot. But now we are focusing on the words, and creating your vocabulary. (And the next post of this series is going to help you to embody these dynamics even better.)
I would also like to clarify here, that not only dirty talking can be arousing. Those who score higher on the Energetic or Sensual blueprints can actually be turned off by dirty talk, so I included all kinds of arousing words here, so that you can really find the best ones for your partner to be used or be avoided.
The way we are doing goes like this:
You will find 5 words in one set (one for all Erotic Blueprint).
Say them out loud and check in how they feel in your body. Score them from 1 to 5, where 5 is the most arousing. Give 0 to any total turn off word. If you do this with your partner, you need to have separate scores. And remember, When it is about making your partner feel hot and crazy for you, you have to use their turn on words, not yours.
Here is the first bunch:
Don’t move, I'm going to use you
You taste so good
(If you are curious, you can check the blueprints after the words. Kinky, Sexual, Energetic, Sensual, Shapeshifter)
Let’s try something new
Yoni / Lingam
Soft, deep kisses, please
I want you to cum all over me
It’s going to hurt and you’re going to enjoy it
(Shapeshifter, Energetic, Sensual, Sexual, Kinky)
Good girl / boy
Take me to the stars and the moon and back!
Kiss down the middle of me front and back drink my wetness pull me hard onto you
don't let me get away I want your wild man desire unleashed.
I want to savor every moment of this.
Shut up and fuck me
(Kinky, Energetic, Shapeshifter, Sensual, Sexual)
I am all wet and juicy! / I am so hard for you!
Don’t you dare cum without permission
I want to caress your entire body
I love staring into your eyes and feeling my lips lightly above yours
You’re a fucking Goddess. I want you. You’re making my dick
heavy just thinking of you
(Sexual, Kinky, Sensual, Energetic, Shapeshifter)
I think you understand where this goes.
It is time for you to create your own list of words / expressions. You can choose your texting history or emails or erotic stories to collect options, and than score them from 0 to 5. At the end you are going to feel way more confident about how to initiate with your partner successfully.
Oh yes, regarding initiation... When you feel more confident about using sexy words, you will realize that some words/expressions work better in the phase of initiation than in a high arousal state. That is totally normal.
You are going to master this.
Check out my video about context and vocal tone. And read the second part of this post for even more support. You deserve the juiciest, satisfying sex life. So claim it. :)