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It is not so easy to ask for what your pussy wants. Why?


Because you have to know what your pussy wants

And I know that this on its own can be challenging for a lot of us.
(Especially if you have some past experiences when your boundaries were crossed.
Or if "what you want to feel" and "what you are exactly feeling" are in conflict.)

The good news is, that this is something that you can develop as a skill, even alone, so you don’t need a partner’s cooperation to have a stronger, more authentic connection to your arousal and learn how to tap into this flow and effortlessly enjoy the pure pleasure that is your birth right.


One of the things you can start with is to map your clit. 

Go around clockwise, experience with different pressure. Don’t forget to use lube, so that it would be smooth. 

Try different speeds including just hold your hand on your clitoris. 

Play with directions. Downward strokes feel totally different than upward strokes. 

What if you use your whole palm rather than your finger.

Have you tried some textures like the lust fingers?

And just feel, what is the most pleasurable? What is the difference? 



Because asking for what you want is making you feel vulnerable and exposed


What I find is that when you are in your pleasure it feels more natural to ask for what you want. The more you are aroused and you can speak from this place, the more chances you have to get what you want and ask for. It is positive and motivating, and hence you are already aroused your lover feels more confident as well. It is a win-win.



Because sometimes nothing feels right


I know how easy it is to go down the rabbit hole of what you don’t like. Sometimes you can’t even tell what the problem is, just that it doesn’t feel right. You even fight yourself, because you feel like you should be aroused by this, or you should be more turned on or already coming like crazy, but you just don’t…

And your mind is already switched on, looking for what is wrong,, so that you can fix that.
The problem is, that this just doesn’t work. The more you are focusing on finding what is wrong, the harder is to find what is good for you.

You need an inner switch. Realise what you are doing (going down at the “something is wrong” rabbit hole), and start to focus on the here and the now first before you focus on what would feel even better. So look for sensations, like temperature, how your body feels, any materials, any colours… Come back to the now. And only then ask yourself what would feel better.
Maybe a little break, maybe a sip of water, maybe some fresh air, maybe you have no idea but you want to experience. In this case tell something like “I want to try something else now. Lets go a bit slower. Now a bit faster. I need some lube to feel you even more.” And try to allow yourself to feel. What if you would be able to give yourself permission to feel more aroused, like if you would have a knob that you could turn the volume of pleasure even more? Try it. Try it alone first, then try with your partner.


Because it is hard to find the right words to ask for what you want


I hear you. It is challenging. With my clients we have a module of finding the right turn on words (and the turn off words to avoid), and practice a bit. When you know what works for your partner and what works for you, it is easier to bridge the 2 and the communication becomes more effortless and natural.

If you can’t do it in the moment yet, do it afterwards, from the intention to find the way to the juiciest connection.

Always use words and references that your partner can understand, even better if you can show them what you mean. Not everybody will know what you mean by “touch me as light as you would touch the wings of a butterfly”. You haven't done anything wrong asking this way, and they really have no idea what exactly this means, and how they are supposed to touch you the right way.
In this video I'm talking about how to exactly show on your knuckle how you want your clit to be touched. Of course it is even better if you can do this on your clit in the heat of the moment. But the “knuckle method” can be done beforehand. 



I remember a time when I showed a new partner beforehand how I wanted my pussy to be touched this way. And he mirrored it on my hand, so that I could correct him, if I wanted him to go lighter or slower. The whole situation made me at ease. I felt so safe, and I trusted him. This is the best way to create the space for more intense pleasure and other elevated states.


Creating your own words for a touch that feels good to you is a connecting experience and it is also clear what you want when you say, you want the flat touch or the bunny or whatever you agree on. 


Do you have questions about how to make your sex life better? Write to me so that I can help you.