Whenever I talk to people about spicing up their sex lives they usually already have some ideas about what they want, but they feel scared or overwhelmed by all the possibilities. Many people think they need to become somebody else in order to experiment with hot new stuff, especially if their partner had been the initiator. It is normal to feel overwhelmed, too much, too little, scared, anxious, frustrated, confused and also aroused, turned on, curious, playful, sexy, irresistible, alive…
Here are the main mistakes people make when they want to introduce kinks in their sex life and how to handle them. Because you deserve to feel free and empowered, and at the same time, making mistakes is normal. We all make them. The more prepared you are, the more you can focus on what is happening and enjoy yourself. Because in order to take risks it is also important to feel safe enough to take them.
So, what even is kink?
Most of us have a thought about what is accepted and standard for sex. (Some people call this vanilla.) And anything that is beyond this bubble is considered kinky, so there is no clear line dividing what is vanilla or what is kinky for everyone, all of this is very personal and unique. If having sex with the lights on is a taboo for you, then having sex with lights on is kinky, even if for others this is totally vanilla.
Being prepared means to go through what can probably go wrong and find solutions to it beforehand. And this makes you being able to focus on what is happening in the moment or you or your partner experiencing trauma. And yes, of course you can’t be prepared for everything, and still there is a lot that you can do. And sometimes even the awareness of a possibility can help you when you need to be calm. But what are these potential mistakes to consider?
You didn't have a proper discussion beforehand
I understand how challenging it can be to talk about your desires, your needs, your expectations and limitations, especially when it is about taboo topics. This is never easy (even though with practice it will become more natural to do so), but still it is essential. You will find preference lists/kink lists/BDSM lists on the internet that can help you to create a framework, so it is not you bringing up a topic, but you “just” follow the list. It is good to document your answer and see how things change for you with time.
It is worth talking about the experience that you have and what things mean exactly to you. One of the coaches has a story about this. She had a background in tantra when she started to explore kinks. So when she was asked about if she wanted to try breath play. She said yes, thinking about breathing together. This is not what happened after.
Another option is to choose an erotic game. They come with cards or other kinds of instructions providing a good opportunity to go through the actions/scenes and share your opinions about it.
It is ok not wanting the same things as your partner. Focus on what both of you want to explore and start in small steps and evaluate afterwards.
What is fundamental is to create a safe space for discussion over and over and over, because you will see things differently after you experience something than beforehand. And when I say being honest is a must I also mean to be honest with yourself.
You went too deep to fast
Many people fantasize about kinky play without being ready to share them with somebody else. So it is understandable that when you find a person who feels safe, exciting and shares the same interests as you, you want to have it all. And still, this is the scenario that is most probable to go sideways.
Start small. Test your capacity and your real reactions that can be very different from the imaginary reactions. Find your limitations when you practice impact play, like spanking or using a paddle...
It is always more exciting to know there is more than feeling too overwhelmed and shut down.
Don’t try to recreate what you saw in porn or read about
This is something I see very often. I get it. You get your inspiration from somewhere and it has become a turn on. You want to make it real. But the reality is, that most often than not, your expectation kills the pleasure and the excitement. The more you want to recreate something, the more underwhelming it usually becomes. The more things feel like “this is not what I supposed to feel” or “this is not how I imagined it”, the more pleasure you lose.
I'm not saying not to create plans for scenes, scripts can be the best tools. But these scenes should be based on you and your partner's authentic desires and reactions not on something totally outside of you.
Not using the safeword
Most people know about needing a safeword that stops the play. Lots of people also use a safeword to show they are close to their limits. And still it happens often that they aren’t used. Maybe because you don’t want to disappoint the other person. Maybe because you want to seem more confident and competent. This one is especially true for the dominant person, some don’t even consider that a dominant should have a safeword.
Using the safeword and stopping the scene can create deep trust. It is not a failure, but it is a sign of strength and awareness, which is a powerful foundation for more.
Your are not checking in with yourself and/or your partner
I've heard from so many people that checking in kills the magic. In my experience not checking in with yourself and your partner is what most probably kills the magic. It is very easy to be caught up in the moment and not realise if something is too much or not enough or you can disassociate… Checking in creates safety in your body. You will know, that you can trust yourself and if you check in on your partner they will also know that you care, and you can go with the flow of reality rather than following an imaginary map that doesn’t fit the land. Without checking in you are driving in the fog. Maybe it feels exciting, but it is risky, and you can hurt yourself and/or others.
You are skipping aftercare
Yes, I’m talking about caring again, your body and nervous system need a proper closure. Kinky play and doing something that is taboo is exhilarating, but this also means that it is a strain on the body. Aftercare brings you back to ground safely and provides you with time and space to recover. Maybe you don’t know at the beginning what you need in order to ground yourself back. Some water and some chocolate can be a good idea. Maybe you want a conversation or maybe you want some silence. Something grounding, like feeling the floor under your feet can feel stabilizing. Maybe you would like hugs, a shower, or having a warm bath… It is important to plan this time into your session. If you just walk out after the high of a session, it can feel debilitating afterwards.
You don’t know about the shame spiral
It is common to feel shame after a session. You let out parts of yourself that you have been taught to keep hidden, parts that are not accepted or wanted in everyday life. Bringing them forward, even in a safe and consensual space, is exposing. It takes courage, and the nervous system does not always know the difference between vulnerability and danger. So the low that follows the high is not a sign that something went wrong. It is a sign that something real happened.
Enjoying something that is a taboo or considered shameful is not always easy to deal with afterwards. This is why the established consent, the discussions, the check ins and the aftercare are so important. You need to know that you have done everything to establish the play. And yes, this still can mean that you will make mistakes or that you feel unprepared for something that happens. You are evolving. And you are allowed to make mistakes. What you are doing with them is what matters the most.
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This Is Your Body On Sex