Masturbation for a lot of people can be simple, easy and uncomplicated. They just go for an orgasm, they cum and they are happy and satisfied. I’m not talking to them now.
I’m talking to those of you who feel uninspired to pleasure yourself
who just waiting for feeling aroused, but somehow it just never happen
who are craving intimacy but feel like they can’t give it to themselves
You are not alone. I hear this quite often from people who feel alone in their sex life lacking real fulfilment.
If you feel you are broken, I just want you to know that you are not. The way you feel is very natural and mostly comes from the way sexuality and pleasure is viewed in society, even though there are practical tips (some more some less) that can help you to expand your self-pleasure from this experience of lack and dissatisfaction. Feel into them and play with those that you are resonating with.
Allow yourself to feel whatever is present
One of the main shackles that keep you from feeling alive and juicy is that you think you should feel different from how you feel. This can keep you away from being in the present moment and feel your feelings.
Pleasure comes and goes in waves containing not “only” highs and lows but different intensities. Sometimes you can feel numb and from this space a new wave can emerge. Sometimes you feel aroused and all of a sudden you feel yourself melting into the present moment experiencing a new richness.
There is nothing wrong about feeling “non sexual” feelings in your self-pleasure. The more you are able to embrace whatever is present without judgement the more you can ride those waves with new aliveness and creativity.
Plan some sexy times ahead and prepare for it
Going with the flow feels amazing. And I’m not saying don’t do that, enjoy your spontaneous play to the maximum, and still planning ahead can spoil you with extra yumminess. A bit similar to when you want to cook something and you buy the ingredients, find the time and prepare the meal. You can still cook amazing meals from stuff that you have at home when you are hungry, but you still plan and prepare some other meals so that you can have them.
When you create the time and space to play, and you have everything around that you want, you have just opened the door for more pleasure to come in under your terms.
Arrange the space, indulge your senses, prepare the right music
Don’t go for orgasms, go for pleasure
This can sound very odd for a lot of people but when you allow yourself to just play without expectations and explore some ideas or inspirations without the orgasm agenda you can feel more free and alive. Your curiosity, your presence, your openness is going to lead to a very different scenario than when your main goal is an orgasm. I'm not saying that you shouldn’t have orgasms, enjoy them when they show up. Most people experience more orgasms this way than going through an orgasm agenda. Your pleasure is valuable and real with or without orgasms.
Even better: deny your orgasms
This works like a magic wand for so many people. When you want to deny your orgasms, all you can think of is that you want them. But they are a taboo now, and you are not supposed to have an orgasm… But you can feel your body turning on more and more… This on its own can be such a juice self-pleasure session.
Have time based pleasure sessions
The time is up to you. It can be 15 minutes, 20… an hour… When the end is not defined by your ability to reach a certain goal (like an orgasm or squirting or full ecstatic bliss), but it is a time based space for you to feel yourself there is less performance anxiety and more freedom.
Challenge yourself
This works especially well if you are competitive. Challenges can be about anything that you find inspiring: trying different self-touches every time, going slower/lighter, discovering your arousal map, creating different fantasies, no genital touch session, trying light//dark energetic play…
Try a new toy
Having a new toy is always inspirational. Especially if this toy brings something new to your self-pleasure play. From dragon dildos and AI controlled masturbators to flickering unicorns and liquid vibrators… you will definitely find something for your unique taste.
Expand your definition of pleasure and masturbation
What difference would it make to allow yourself to do whatever you feel like in your solo session without needing it to be sexual? What if you are super sensitive, and no touch energetic play is way more fulfilling to you than any vibrator can be?
What if you love a chastity cage and want to experience all the frustrations of not being able to touch your penis while you experience all kinds of pleasure.
What if eating your favourite, luxurious chocolate feels like an orgasm in your mouth?
When you allow yourself to not compartmentalise pleasure into the classic “This is how sex and masturbation should be” box, and you just follow your nature and create experiences for yourself, it is going to feel less work and more ease. It will come more naturally, and you are going to feel more fulfilled.
Bring yourself into your body
This is a foundational piece. If you are not present in your body, if you don’t feel, but you rather think or not in your body, that pleasure will elude you. Movement, dance and grounding yourself can help you to be more connected to yourself.
When you find yourself being in your head too much you can always remind yourself to come back to your body (no judgement, just swift internally) and do it as many times as you need. This is a practice and the key is to feel safe and curious at the same time.
Also allow yourself to say no to your self-pleasure practice if you feel like not in the mood. “Just “ because you followed the “Plan ahead tip” doesn't mean that you are obliged to go through it when you don’t have a yes to it. So always check if you have your inner consent from all of your parts.
Integrate your experience creatively
Did you know that journaling about your experience at the end helps to enrich your next experience, because you are going to master how conscious and aware you are about all the inner dynamics.
But journaling is not for everybody. You can draw or paint about it. You can dance yourself through it, you can humm it or sing about it… whatever is your way to embrace and integrate, do it so that you can be more conscious, confident and aligned.
When your solo play is rich, deep and creates a more intimate connection with yourself your whole life is going to change. Allow yourself to live your full erotic potential “even” when you are alone. This provides more freedom and safety and you will experience more aliveness, more surprises and unexpected discoveries.