The sex coach answers: Is it ok to masturbate?

Masturbation has a very “two sided” reputation. On one hand you are told that masturbation is not healthy, that is taking away your intimacy and you lose connection. 

On the other hand though I speak to quite a lot of people who actually don’t really masturbate much and feel that something is missing from them. They want to feel more pleasure and be turned on just by themselves. And not experiencing this makes them feel broken, as if something would be missing from them.

It is almost like whatever you do, you can’t win.

I am a big fan of self-pleasure and self-intimacy. And I like to make a distinction between masturbation and self-pleasure. 

So if you want my short answer when you ask if it is ok to masturbate, I say it depends.

It depends on why you do it - do you want to escape from your life or do you want to enjoy and celebrate your life and your body (just to mention 2 of the hundreds of reasons).

It depends on how you feel afterwards. Fulfilled? Drained? Alive? Adventurous? Empty? Light? Heavy? Focused? Ashamed?

I think you got the point. 

It is not really about if you masturbate or not, but it is about what that adds to your love and what is released.

And now let’s talk about what self-pleasure (I mean here conscious cultivation of pleasure) gives to you.
And if you self-pleasure maybe you can do it a way that masturbation adds even more to your life.

Experiment freely

This is the safest way to try new things. You don’t have to worry about what your partner thinks about. You can allow yourself to feel free. There is no performance anxiety. Let your curiosity lead the way.
Self-pleasure adds value to your life. 

You don’t revive the same thing again and again, but you allow yourself to expand your pleasure potential.

It is the place to build more skills especially resilience, embodiment, being present and focused, so as owning your pleasure. 

Nothing distracts you from you. 

I create self-pleasure challenges for myself from time to time.
Like for example doing less and being super slow, or expanding my orgasms…

To know your own body

Most people I meet don't know enough about their bodies,arousal maps or stacks (how their arousal is unfolding in a situation).

The best way to be aware of your turn ons and your reactions is to self-pleasure. When you allow yourself to experience yourself authentically you start to learn your body and you build trust in your feelings and sensations. This connection will become stronger and you are going to be more confident about what is going on inside your body.
This helps you not just in your self-pleasure but in your shared sexuality. You are going to know what to ask for and when, and because of this  you are going to be able to be more open to your partner.

Your sexuality is your responsibility

We are accustomed to blame our partner or praise our partner for the sexuality we create (or don’t create) together. It is understandable. You are not doing this alone, but you are in it together. 

But this is not the whole picture. Your sexuality is your responsibility.

You are the one feeling it.

You are the one giving power to whatever happens or not happens in relation to your partner.

You are the one who has to say yes and no for your part, so you don’t resent what happens between the two of you.

You are the one who has to ask for what you want. 

You are the one who has to communicate what is going on inside.

When you loose your sexual confidence becasue your partner reacts differently to you than beforehand it is in your hand to connect and feel yourself in your true and raw sexuality. You can find it, you can feel it, it is yours even if your partner doesn’t see it, appreciates it or responds to it otherwise. 

I know that you think it is easier to say than really doing it. And yes, this is true. And this is why self-pleasure has such an important role in this. You have to experience yourself in your pleasure and turn on regardless of what anybody says or thinks of you. 

You have everything you need to be juicy and light up. It doesn’t come from another person. You are the source. And when you think otherwise you start to build expectations and resentments. 

I have this post about the stages of sexuality. It is totally fine to be in a resting or healing phase and not feeling juicy. The aim is not to force yourself to be aroused. The aim is to connect and allow yourself to be authentic and embrace yourself wherever you are. This is going to change the situation. Self-pleasure can be very subtle, relaxing and loving. It doesn’t even needs to be sexual. 

Live from a more centred place

One of my favourite memories that I love to recall was on a workshop I was leading. At the end of the day the participants were glowing. They were satisfied and fulfilled. This didn’t make them unresponsive, lost of purpose or careless (some people have this false belief of fulfilment), but so aligned and centred that there was clarity and sincerity in them.

One of the participants then said: “I wish everybody would be in this phase. How different life would be lived from this place, making decisions from this place.”
This alignment creates ease and truth and you are ready to act without hesitation.

When you feed yourself while you are self-pleasuring (I mean when you fulfil yourself and give yourself what you need), you align yourself. You don’t need anything from anybody. You come from freedom and wholeness. Self-pleasure puts you back at this place over and over and over again.

Give yourself a hormone boost of vitality

All of this affects your hormonal system and vitality. It is keeping you more alive and youthful. Self-pleasure affects your body and your physical reality including your immune system. This is a very robust reason to do it. And it is free.